Have you ever eaten a full pint of Chubby Hubby out of the carton? Do you daydream of having someone to share your chocolate cake and deepest secrets with? If so, this is the cookbook for you! Filled with great recipes for those unloved gals or guys in need of comfort, Cookbook for the Lonely is the perfect remedy for any cold, emotionally desolate night.
Still not convinced? We’ve got some excerpts of recipes right here for you to check out!
1 Minute Chocolate Cake
This cake is perfect for a night in, mourning the loss of your youth, and watching Netflix. It cooks quickly to quench that loneliness!
Serves: 1 (but let’s be real, it’s not like you have anyone to share it with anyway)
2 tablespoons flour
1 tablespoon sugar and 1 teaspoon sugar
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
2 teaspoons cocoa powder
1 pinch salt
2 tablespoons milk
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
Prep time: 25 minutes (4 min. to get ingredients mixed, 1 min. to cook the cake, 20 min. to Facebook stalk exes and other Nice Jewish Boys)
Mix all dry ingredients. Add milk, vanilla extract and oil until well blended. Pour the batter into a cup. Microwave on high for 1 minute. If you overcook it, it will turn rubbery. This will remind you of all your failures, like that time you failed to impress your ex’s mother. You were never good enough for her.
Eat the cake with ice cream from the carton, crying while listening to “We Belong Together.” “I didn’t mean it when I said I didn’t love you so, I should have held on tight, I never should’ve let you go!” Commence Facebook stalking, and imagining what you would look like in that guy’s profile picture. “Baby, baby, we belong together!”
This cobbler is made for those of you who want dessert, but also want to pretend that you are healthy. It goes best with vanilla bean ice cream, whipped cream, and regret.
Serves: 1 (it actually serves 2, but don’t worry your big, fat ass about that!)
1 tbsp melted butter
1/3 cup sugar
1/3 cup flour
1/3 cup skim milk
1 apple peeled and thinly sliced
1 tbsp sugar
1 tbsp cinnamon
3 hairs plucked from the head of your cute neighbor
1 photo of Justin Timberlake, circa 2001
Prep time: 35 minutes (5 min. to combine ingredients, 30 min. to feel bad about yourself while it cooks)
Combine the tbsp sugar and cinnamon. Add apple slices. In a separate bowl, combine 1/3 cup sugar, flour and hair. After combining, add in butter, then milk, and mix thoroughly. Lastly, add in the picture of JT. Cook for approximately 30 minutes at 350°F.
Melodramatically sing “I Will Always Love You” (I will, Ethan! I don’t care that your mom hates me!) into your hairbrush while looking in the mirror, wearing your shirt with the holes in the armpits. Self-esteem. You are a strong, amazing person! You love yourself! You don’t need anyone else to do that for you! But you need to stop buying yourself flowers, it’s an expensive habit.
Chocolate Fudge Tart
This is for those nights when you are really desperate and need rich, creamy chocolate that takes a bit longer to cook. In the end, the wait is worth it, right? You will come back to me, right?
Serves: 1 (just to hammer it in that you are alone and always will be)
4 tbsp flour
2 tbsp cocoa powder
1 tbsp butter
1 tbsp flour
22g dark chocolate
1 tbsp sugar
1 tbsp butter
1/2 tbsp butter
1 1/2 tbsp sugar
Prep time: 2 hours (30 min. to make the tart, an hour and a half to feel nostalgic for the type of relationship you never had)
Preheat oven to 350°F. Mix the pastry ingredients to form a dough. Roll out the dough and place into a tart tin, cook for 10 minutes. Melt the chocolate and butter and combine the filling ingredients. Add the fudge ingredients and cook until it thickens (about 10-15 min). Press the fudge into the pastry.
While waiting for tart to set, watch When Harry Met Sally while cutting an onion, so that in case someone walks in, you have an excuse to be crying. Say most of the dialogue along with the movie, but get especially into it when reciting, “All I’m saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don’t get him first, somebody else will, and you’ll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband.” When tart is done, eat it while freaking out that you’ll be forty… someday. Stare at the empty bowl that has been sitting in your sink, let it remind you that you will be forever empty too.
Still not satisfied with our product? It’s probably because your self-esteem is so low! But, like all books, we know better than you. Buy this book. Because who else will provide comfort for you on those forlorn nights? Your cat? Mittens can’t talk, she doesn’t even like you. Just buy our cookbook already. We know you will, because we are telling you to. We might not be able to help you find love, but we can make you gain 15 pounds in two weeks, just like that time last summer when you had pasta for dinner every night. Yeah, we know about that. So does Ethan.