A World Without Breaking Bad

This summer, I developed an addiction to a new TV show. Like a coke addict frantically trying to remember which bottle of baby powder has his stash, I scoured the Internet looking for the website with the fewest number of Romanian porn pop-ups to watch the show.

After locking myself in my room with six boxes of Oreos, two jars of peanut butter, and a year’s supply of astronaut ice cream, I successfully caught up through the current season. However, now that I have to wait until next summer for the new season, I have a lot of time on my hands. That first hard week off the wagon, as I sat shaking and clawing at my skin, I began thinking of life without Breaking Bad. I thought – what would happen if another show owned the rights to the title?

Breaking Sad – Daniel Radcliff gets another chance at fame playing Stanley, a depressed high school teenager. The show begins just as his parents, played by Liam Neeson and Sandra Bullock, inform him that they will be moving from an affluent suburb of New York City to downtown Detroit. The series follows him as he acclimates to the constant muggings, pollution, and general Michigan-ness. Episodes are full of attempts at emotion from all actors, but most of it falls as flat as the Midwest. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM EST on ABC Family.

Breaking Glad – Hosted by Daniel Tosh, the purpose of the show is to bring down Glad’s monopoly on plastic wrap. Each episode introduces a new product that can be used as an alternative to Glad. The show includes interviews with experts in the field of plastic wrap, environmentalists angry at the overuse of plastic products, and people who got mad, not Glad. Wednesdays at 1:00 AM EST on HGTV.

Breaking Fad – This show is literally just Gordon Ramsey exploring food-related trends that he finds irritating, then yelling at people he sees following them until the trends cease to be popular. Fads that Ramsey tries to end include putting ketchup on potato chips, fusion cuisine, and eating food not cooked by a British man with anger management problems. Mondays at 5:00 PM EST on Food Network

Breaking Grad – This documentary-style show follows the lives of six recent college graduates all with liberal arts degrees and no plans to attend graduate school. One by one, each graduate realizes that their degrees are meaningless and that they have no chance of finding work unrelated to McDonalds, Target, or prostitution. Later episodes detail the merits of the business and law degrees that each graduate will inevitably have to earn and the most effective strategies to pay off large student loans. Sundays at 9:30 PM EST on CBS.

Breaking Vlad – Set in 1953, this show follows the story of Vlad, a Soviet citizen arrested and imprisoned for sneezing within a two-mile radius of a Lenin statue. Each episode is an hour-long torture scene where police officers try to force information from Vlad about his plans to further overthrow the state using his evil democratic bodily functions. Jason Statham stars as Vlad. Breaking Vlad also features whatever actress played that creepy Russian villain with the spiky shoes from James Bond. Wednesdays at 9:00 PM EST on HBO.

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