You come home to a menagerie of balloon animals made of the condoms that your talented fourth-grader found in your nightstand.
Your eight-year-old son comes home in tears after having been called a dildo. You then have to reassure your precious Josh that he is not, in fact, a dildo…and that even if he is, so what? Dildos give more happiness to women than most men!
You read your daughter’s iMessages and see that not only has she been “sexting,” but she is terrible at it and has no idea how sex even works.
Your young son walks in on you and your wife “getting intimate” and begins to scream. You break off mid-coitus and explain that Mommy’s okay. In fact, she’s more than okay, because Daddy’s a stud.
You decide to go see “Bruno” as a family.
You’ve gone to New Orleans for a family vacation and made a wrong turn onto Bourbon Street. Your children are confused by the concept of a Titty Bar.
You see that your thirteen-year-old daughter has charged an appointment at Planned Parenthood to the credit card you gave her for emergencies only.
The minute she no longer believes in getting her cootie shot. Seriously. The very second that revelation occurs. You were once a boy, and you know how disgusting boys can be, and you know that if boys who never paid attention to her are being friendly to her these days, it’s only because boys are foul and disgusting and only want one thing and that is sex and your little girl is too good for that and that even though cooties may not be real, STDs are, and there’s no way you’re letting your baby come home with the clap!
While in the car on the way to a Boy Scouts meeting, your eleven-year-old son starts to sing about “putting his dick inside” of something. You had no idea your child had graduated from Kidz Bop to “Gimme That Nut” by Eazy-E.