I hope that one day I will have the privilege to return to Penn for Homecoming as an alumnus. For that fateful day, I have prepared some questions for the many future undergraduate students.
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Q: I was in school when “Call Me Maybe” came out. You know that song?
A: Yeah.
Q: Isn’t that interesting? That I was in college when that song came out?
A: Yeah, cool man.
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Q: I remember when that restaurant next to The Bridge opened.
A: The place next to Huntsman?
Q: No, the movie theater. It used to be called The Bridge, but they changed it to The Rave when I was in school.
A: Oh you mean The Smush! Yeah, that movie theater is still there.
Q: So then you know Harvest! The restaurant that opened next door to it?
A: What? No. There’s a vegan/kosher/gluten-free/halal/lactose intolerant/sugar-free place next to The Smush. It’s called Mush.
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Q: Are you a brother here?
A: Sir, this is a church.
Q: Oh, sorry. Are you a father here?
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Q: Are you excited for Spring Fling?
A: The Class Boards changed the name of the event in April to “Class Boards Present Freshmen, Sophomores, Juniors, Seniors, Their Friends, and Random Philadelphians Enjoy Merriment and Good Times Thanks to Class Boards!”
Q: But there’s still partying and live music, right?
A: Not anymore. CBPFSJSTFRPEMGTTCB starts on Wednesday night –
Q: Great! That’s the night Fling usually started.
A: On Wednesday night, you get into a line that stretches from Old City to Manayunk with everyone you have ever met in your life. By Sunday, you will reach the front of the line. When you finally make it to the front, Hoodie Allen slaps you in the face and your Class President gives you a Rocket Power turtleneck that is 5 sizes too small.
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Q: Goin to Smokes tonight? YOLO!
A: What?
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Q: Is the Pennsylvania Punch Bowl still around?
A: Well, not anymore. Penn got rid of the Punch Bowl earlier this year, after It happened.
Q: It? What do you mean, “It”?
A: I could be suspended for even talking about It. It was the worst thing I have ever seen. I still see It sometimes when I close my eyes.
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Q: Have you ever been to a Penn football game?
A: No, but I know like 4 guys on the football team.
Q: So if you know people on the team, does that mean you’re not allowed to go to the games?
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Q: Do people still go to Beijing?
A: Gross.
Q: Thank goodness.
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Q: What year are you?
A: I’m a senior.
Q: Oh boy, you better brace yourself for next year. I remember that first year out of college. Scary stuff. You have no idea how much of a mess you can be that first year out of college.
A: Yes I do, I’m class of 2014. We were in History of the South together. You graduated last year.