Advice from a Relatively Obscure Historical Figure: Aaron Burr

Dear Aaron,

I’m having some trouble concentrating in my classes. I get a good night’s sleep and I bring a cup of coffee with me to class, but I always seem to nod off! I don’t want to talk to my professor because I think she notices me falling asleep. What should I do?

Thanks,

Sleepyhead

Dear Sleepyhead,

That is Mr. Third Vice President to you! You kids these days have no respect for your elders. This is not a matter of energy; it is a matter of respect. Your professor is an authority figure, and instead of frolicking in the cobblestones or whatever it is you kids do these days, you need to discipline yourself into staying awake during class. A lack of respect could get you into a lot of trouble. Like in a duel.

Frustrated with the Youth of Today,

A. Burr

Dear Mr. Vice President,

I’m having boy problems. I’ve been hooking up with this guy, but he doesn’t want to introduce me to his frat brothers. He always insists on coming to my room, and won’t let me make us Facebook official. Does this mean I’m a butterface?

Thanks,

Hey Sexy Lady?

Dear Sexy Lady?,

What’s this hooking up business? It sounds like something a fisherman would do. Believe me, you do not want to get involved with a fisherman, he will come home reeking of rope grease and crustacean. Furthermore, you never know if he has gotten swept out to sea until he comes home. What kind of life is that for a wife? And what is butterface, some kind of awful new disease? If he is not brave enough to introduce you to his friends, then he is certainly not brave enough to enter a duel, if the occasion were to arise.

Strangely craving lobster,

A. Burr

Dear Aaron,

Someone at work has been trash talking me, trying to prevent me from moving up in the ranks. I want to confront him like a man, but I do not consider myself to be violent. However, I feel that he deserves exactly what he has done to me: death by duel.

Finally I have found you… Finally I can exact on you what you did to me. It took me over 200 years, (I never would have thought to look in a humor magazine), but now I know where to find you. I’m coming for you…

Vengefully yours,

A. Hamilton

Dear Hamilton,

I think the best course of action is to just stay where you are and not bother this “bully.” I am sure whatever he is doing to you is not that bad. He probably just wants what is best for himself and his family. Please just leave me him alone. That is why I tried to become king of the Southwest, and that is why I challenged you to a duel!

No!! Hamilton!! Pleasfnlkalsmdfffffffffffffffffffff…………………….

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