50 Things Pedophiles Have Ruined for the Rest of Us

We’ve all been there. We’re just trying to peruse the children’s section of Barnes and Noble or grow a mustache for fun, mind our own business at the park or shop for a van. Just as we’re about to make the down-payment or relax on the swing, we catch ourselves. Why? Because pedophiles have ruined our favorite activities. That’s right – pedophiles have ruined anything and everything that used to be normal. Think about it: what can you do anymore that wouldn’t be creepy if you imagined a pedophile doing the same thing? It’s just not fair, but to convince you, below are fifty things that pedophiles ruined for the rest of us:

  1. Parks
  2. Aviators
  3. Mustaches
  4. Mutton chops
  5. Unmarked white vans
  6. Candy
  7. Boy scouts
  8. Girl scouts
  9. Tan windbreakers
  10. Sex offender registries
  11. Penn State Football
  12. Public schools
  13. Communal showers
  14. The YMCA
  15. Pistachio Ice cream
  16. Gas station bathrooms
  17. Socks and sandals
  18. Hot dogs
  19. Smug smirks
  20. Hairstyles from the ‘80s
  21. Wifebeaters
  22. Thick eyeglasses
  23. Playgrounds
  24. Popsicles
  25. The Little League World Series
  26. Public libraries
  27. The Catholic Church
  28. Telling someone they have a cute kid
  29. Talking to strangers
  30. Tinted windows
  31. Being over 50
  32. The Internet
  33. Cargo shorts
  34. A meaningful appreciation of Ancient Greek and Roman customs
  35. Just plain old people watching
  36. Public computers
  37. Going to children’s museums alone
  38. Meat
  39. Kids R Us dressing rooms
  40. Toy stores
  41. Camping
  42. Dakota Fanning
  43. Little boys
  44. Giving kids a ride home from school
  45. Blues Clues
  46. Viral music videos of thirteen year old signers
  47. Windows 95
  48. Prison
  49. Foam soap
  50. Sweatpants
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