A Stern Letter to Andre 3000

andre-3000-2
Dear Andre 3000,

Let me preface this by saying I love you. Not like in a sexual way, but with a proud, platonic intensity. I love you like my Dad loves the song “Kung Fu Fighting.” I love you like women love giant handbags. I love you like black people love not being stereotyped. Your verses make me feel like I could kill a bear or, at the very least, injure a small horse. The work you did in Outkast was transcendent, thought provoking, and eminently dope. I have a boner as I’m typing this. All that said…

I’ve just about had it with this fuckery. For the love of God, stop dicking around and make an album.

See, word on the street is that new Outkast music is only happening after you drop a solo album, and I would literally murder someone with a rake for some new Outkast. So please, Andre, get your shit together and get back in the studio.

The rap game needs more of that Three Stacks flavor. Don’t tell me it takes this many years to make an album. I mean, shit, Curren$y records 3 albums a week and he smokes weed by the kilo. I’m just saying, it’s a sad state of affairs when paste eaters like Lil Bow Wow have been busier in the studio than a hip-hop legend. For chrissakes, we got Lil Wayne tossing around king-sized candy bars of stupidity and meanwhile I have to beg you just to break us off a piece of that wisdom.

On some level, I get it. You wanted to branch out into fashion and movies. You wanted to make Class of 3000, a cartoon about a magical music teacher or some shit.
Class of 3000
If I had millions of dollars and nothing left to prove, I’d make a cartoon show about an Indian kid who loves quesadillas and reruns of The Jeffersons. But at some point, you have to get back to what you do best. You acting in movies is like Pablo Picasso managing a roller disco.

And please, don’t tell me you’re tired of making music, ‘cause you keep dropping guest verses every couple months. And those guest spots just happen to be incredible. Why must you tease us, Andre? You’re like that girl at the party who wears a low-cut top, grinds all over you, spits an amazing verse, and then makes a kids’ show on Cartoon Network.

I just don’t get it. You won’t make an album, but you’re happy clowning around in these goddamn Gillette commercials.
andre-3000-viking
Is dressing up like a Viking higher on your priorities than artistic expression? Don’t you want to finally make a solo statement? Don’t you at least want annoying people like me to get off your back?

I don’t know, I guess I have to accept it for now. It’s just that with you doing this Gillette shit and Justin Timberlake squandering his talents in acting…wait, you know what? Lemme talk to JT for a second.

Hey, Justin? Get back to making records like FutureSex/LoveSounds. Don’t nobody wanna see Clockstoppers or whatever shitty movies you’ve got lined up next. If I wanted to see pop stars pretending they can act, I’d rewatch Mariah Carey’s Glitter. And another thing…

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One thought on “A Stern Letter to Andre 3000

  1. Wow that was odd. I just wrote an incredibly
    long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t appear. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again.
    Anyways, just wanted to say great blog!

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