BREAKING NEWS: California state legislature approves innovative “all sex, no safe” abstinence-free sex education curriculum

By Punch Bowl junior, Julia Hurley.

SACRAMENTO – Officials announced this morning that as of next year, the California educational system will no longer be offering information on abstinence or safe sex, but will be kicking off a new program of in-depth erotic study developed by sexperts across the country.

“Students are welcome to research the abstinence option on their own, but it’s just not an agenda we think is appropriate for students in our system,” commissioner of education Aaron Stuffer told reporters, “we considered including information about so-called ‘protection’ in the curriculum, but the board of education and I were unanimous in our official ruling that sex just feels better without condoms.  We don’t want to expose our students to products that we ourselves would not be comfortable using.”

The new K-12 curriculum will also include detailed instruction and demonstrations in a variety of new sensuous subjects, including autofellation, bondage, bestiality, and flavored lubricants.  Select high schools across the state will also be initiating “AP Sex” pilot programs, allowing advanced students to engage in intensive study of and experimentation with college-level topics such as hookups, booty calls, fuck buddies, threesomes, and substance-fueled orgies.

“We’re ushering in a new era of sex education here in California,” Stuffer said with a salacious wink, “and we hope that the rest of the country will soon get in bed with our agenda, if you know what I mean.”

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