If Men Ran Feminism, We’d Be Done With Sexism In A Jiffy

By Punch Bowl senior Gordy Jimmers.

As a senior this year, I took an enlightening 101 course in the Women’s Studies department. The class was life changing. From startling statistics about sexual assault to the significant gaps in pay between equally qualified men and women, I have come to believe that this country does far too poor a job caring for 51% of its population. I now fully recognize that men must take a more active role in women’s issues. After all, as we all know, if men ran feminism, we’d be done with sexism in a jiffy.

Let’s start with rape, shall we? On many college campuses, there’s a movement called Breaking The Silence aimed at bringing sexual assault out into the open. It sounds like a nice idea. But isn’t talking for wimps? If men ran feminism, the program would be called Breaking The Kneecaps. It’s as simple as it sounds! Can you imagine a paraplegic committing a successful act of sexual violence? Yeah. Me neither. Problem solved. Easy peazy, Japaneezy.

It’s vitally important that men take the responsibility to work against the misogyny that penetrates our culture. There are important policy questions at play. And, in the end, do we really need a bunch of girls coddling issues as important as workplace sexism?

Speaking of workplace gender prejudice, I firmly believe that the way to solve this problem is education. Lack of knowledge, is after all, the root of sexist thought. That’s why I believe that women should be allowed to spend six years in college. That way, they would be more qualified. Men could start promoting them to the positions that we all know they deserve! Feminists must be thinking, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

And, finally, male involvement in the birth control issue could be of great help. Easy access to birth control is a vital concern for women. Despite their lady brains, female activists have succeeded in lobbying the Obama Administration to mandate that health insurers cover birth control.

But what these feminist hussies might not know is that birth control only works part of the time. That’s where men could be useful. Unlike women, we’re great at math and science! With money from the National Organization for Women, we could build a superlab, and use it to design a condom so strong that not even Jesus Christ’s semen could break it. Goodbye chauvinism! Good job, men!

I think it’s sad that so many men in this country simply are not interested in working to solve concerns that women face. It’s time this attitude stop. It’s time for men say to women, “You can go home now. We got this.”

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