When Punch Bowl freshman and political correspondent Meg Harding forgot to cover the presidential inauguration, she did what any good journalist would do- made up a more interesting story to save her job. This is the sort of work we at Punch Bowl prefer anyway, so with great pride we now present the news as Meg believes it should be:
Being the cold weather aficionado that I am, I recently travelled to DC to watch the inaugural ceremonies. What I observed there (whilst standing beside a man who muttered Rod Stewart songs to himself for nine hours) forced me to face some hard facts regarding the Obama family. What has become clear to me is how kind the “liberal media” thus far has been towards our First Family. All this time they’ve been portrayed to the American public as “normal,” “charming” and “not actually just cousins.” However, I am now of the opinion that much like Donner Party, the Obamas are not without flaws.
As the ceremonies began, it rapidly became apparent that there was a conspicuous absence atop the podium. The crowd was soon informed that Sasha Obama was undergoing necessary quarantine after becoming chronically rabid. Rumor has it that she contracted the illness due to close contact with the widely condemned herd of White House raccoons. Regardless of transmission, it’s always a sad day when a young child must be put down quarantined.
Though there was a lack of one young Obama, Malia was joined by a comely new love interest. Despite the resounding approval from the gentleman beside me, their relationship hasn’t been one without controversy. While I know that Macauley Culkin is blowing up Hollywood right now, his decision to pull out a laser pointer and shine it directly into the eyes of Sonia Sotomayor was questionable and I can’t help but wonder what effects his heavy consumption of PCP has had on his ability to foil burglars with distinct hilarity. I am of the opinion that Malia needs a man that can keep her safe and entertained. I can’t say that I’m not disappointed, I’d certainly hoped that the mistakes of her mother had taught her more.
Another inaugural surprise came from our very own Beyoncé (she’s an illegitimate Obama, right?). Her decision to replace the words of the National Anthem with alarming racial epithets and shocking personal anecdotes about steamy nights spent with this nation’s Vice President were truly alarming to many in the audience. The man beside me began to weep at this and didn’t stop for over five hours. Beyoncé’s description of Joe Biden as “a sexy everyman for the ages” did seem somewhat accurate, however. It still remains to be seen whether or not he’ll be officially inducted as America’s newest sweetheart after this event.
As usual, Michelle Obama conducted herself with grace and poise, although the neck tattoo of Latin hip-hop sensation Pitbull did seem somewhat unexpected.
What was most shocking, however, about these inaugural ceremonies was what Barack Obama discussed in his address to the nation. He began with a power move and swore before the world to reinstate the Trail of Tears by way of executive order. He also seems to have plans in his second term to do the following: lay waste to the entire Greyhound breed (both the dogs and the buses), demand former Secretary of State Madeline Albright to privately fund the baffling replacement of both of his hands with cornmeal-filled surgical gloves and to entirely trade this nation’s military forces for the rest of the world’s supply of wicker furniture. I must also say that Obama’s comparison of his “reign” to that of Scar’s brief control over the Animal Kingdom was offensive to millions Americans who have tragically lost loved ones to stampedes. He did end his speech on a positive note, however. Boldly inviting the Insane Clown Posse to aid in his closing remarks paid off in the best possible way. It finally justified the decision of the man beside me to wear full clown makeup all day.
What was even more difficult than avoiding the gaze of the nude man next to me, was determining what these next four years of Obama’s presidency will bring. While the President was remarkably clear on several points, such as that the state-sanctioned conversion to Wiccanism will be put in place by 2015, beef jerky is now to be made from human flesh and that a quota of eleven alligators must be captured from the wild and released into urban centers on a daily basis, he declined to touch upon certain hot-button political issues. On the basis of the fiscal cliff, gun control, gay rights and environmental issues, Obama stayed conspicuously silent. Perhaps at the end of the day, all that can be said for certain about the next four years is what the man next to me spent over six hours frantically whispering, that there, “Ain’t no room in this sack for no more gravy.” Few could argue with such logic.