PHILADELPHIA – Beyonce’s re-inauguration last week was overshadowed by Penn president Amy Guttman’s own re-investiture ceremony, during which President Guttman outlined an ambitious new plan for the next seven years of her unbroken reign.
“Thank you all for coming. I’m pleased to see that my supremacy will continue unquestioned for the better part of the next decade – but I’m elated to announce the commencement of Penn’s newest development plan.
“But first, some background. Disturbing rumors have reached me of less-than-honorable conduct on the part of our students. Reports show that cheating has increased across the board. My inner circle is itching to act. Now more than ever, we must respond with utmost vigor to this criminal insurgence.
“The board and I have unanimously decided that Penn’s current punishment options are insufficiently severe. Beginning in March 2013, we will be introducing an all-new academic integrity policy, accompanied by a full battery of proven-effective implementation tools.
“Penn has made several major purchases of more traditional disciplinary technologies over the last month and a half, including four full racks, six waterboarding stations, eighteen torture chairs, and a state-of-the-art collection of thumbscrews. In addition, a stainless steel dunking booth is currently being designed by a team of experts from our own School of Engineering and Applied Science, in consultation with our senior medievalists, to be installed above Ware College House’s new frothing oil pit.
“The deans are currently working to determine an appropriate range of punishments based on the scale of the offense. Defendants will be encouraged to confess by our experienced truth extraction experts, and then punished accordingly. Plagiarizers shall be penalized ten lashes per pilfered sentence. Those found cheating on examinations shall find themselves firmly screwed into one of our specially designed cheater’s racks.
“Some of you have raised concerns that students might be troubled by the presence of these more aggressive technologies on campus. We can only agree that Penn’s most rule-abiding customers must be shielded from any disturbance. To that end, we are proud to announce the 2015 opening of the Maury Povich Center for Academic Integrity, to be discreetly installed in a series of abandoned townhouses located near Temple University. The facility will be operated by a hand-selected team of Allied Barton employees and mute eunuchs, who will keep it open 24 hours a day to encourage maximum usage.”
Following the announcement, Guttman, surrounded by a jubilant cluster of academic deans, launched her most splendid investiture celebration yet. Tearful students streamed out of the event. Wharton sophomore and serial plagiarizer Josh Pedal, disgruntled, commented: “screw this, I’m transferring to Harvard.”