Breaking News: Beyoncé Not Chosen As New Pope

Check out this hot new story from Punch Bowl contributor, Myles Wolfe.

VATICAN CITY – When the new Pope was announced yesterday, the world was shocked- shocked the voting happened so quickly, shocked they chose the first pope from the Americas, but, most importantly, shocked that it wasn’t Beyoncé. Around the world, Beyoncé fans, teenage girls, gay guys, and all other human beings were incredibly disappointed that this Grade A Diva was not chosen to be the new leader of the Catholic Church.

We caught up with a few Cardinals who voted in the process to see what their thoughts were on why Queen B was not chosen. “The way she left Kelly and Michelle like that to go solo? I just couldn’t deal with it. How are we supposed to know that she would stay loyal to her people? I mean, you do you Beyoncé, but I just didn’t trust her”, said Cardinal Eggs Benedict of France.

“Honestly, she’s just not fabulous enough for the job,” said Cardinal Papa John II. “Sure, she’s decently fashionable. But have you seen how the pope dresses? The big red hat, that kick-ass sequined dress? And the Batman cape? We have Versace and Malaysia’s number one child labor sweatshop on speed dial.  Beyoncé just wasn’t on our level. She wouldn’t be able to handle it.”

We were also able to gain some inside access on the process of electing the new pope. Hopefully it would enlighten why Beyoncé was not selected. Caligula, an albino monk who has been show runner of the Church for the past 500 years, explained to us the process. “First, all of the cardinals have brunch together where they discuss newest fashion trends and hottest teen heartthrobs. Next, they all sit down and discuss possible candidates. After, they play a few games of Twister to relax, and finally they cast their ballots. It’s a very stressful process.”

Original thoughts of Beyoncé as the new Pope immediately emerged after her concert at that football game. The singing and dancing was truly amazing and people around the world believed that her performance was her ticket to the highly competitive Pope slot. Apparently, though, this now-married-single- lady was not experienced enough to lead 1.2 billion people around the world.

Other bad ass candidates that were rejected by the Cardinals were: Jennifer Lawrence, Robert Downey Jr., Nicolas Cage, and that dog that learned how to skateboard.

Enraged Beyoncé fans demanded information on why the previous Pope, Pope Benedict XVI, did not put in a good word for her. While we were not able to get in direct contact with him, we did receive details from an eyewitness who saw recently saw the previous Pope. “Right now he’s vacationing at his beach house in Miami. Yesterday he was raging at Ultra with a dope tank that said ‘POPEd a Molly I’m Sweatin’. He really knows how to go hard”, said Chet Michaels, Miami resident and resident douchebag. “He probably just didn’t have enough time to send in the recommendation.”

Only Beyoncé’s publicist was available for contact. She seemed calm and collected about the whole situation. “Listen, it was plain and simple. Beyoncé just didn’t have the prerequisites you need to be Pope. She never goes to Church, she’s never been a priest, and she has no affinity for small boys. It was something she wanted, but she’s okay with not getting the job. Now she can just go back to ruling the rest of the world.”

While people around the world are still dejected, they remain hopeful that Queen B will one day reign supreme.

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