As you can tell by the giant flaps of paper tied to trees, it’s UA Election season. The UA Elections are monumentally
unimportant and understandably you owe it to yourself to make an informed decision. You don’t have to let the corny slogans and bad name puns speak for themselves though, as surprisingly the candidates are capable of communicating their platforms outside the confines of brightly colored posters. We had the most competitive candidates write a little something about themselves to let you, the voter, know what they’re all about…
Hi I’m Butler Briggs. If there’s one thing that every UA President needs it’s experience, and my cup runneth over. A natural born leader, I created an internet start-up in ninth grade, called SweetTooth that tracked all the ice cream trucks within a 2 mile radius, and plotted their trajectory using Google Maps. Google offered to buy it, but ever the philanthropist, I opted to give it to the user for free. I was Class President of my high school for four years, where we raised 14 million dollars for prom through bake sales and Brazil’s lax insider trading laws. Over the summer, I started my own SAT tutoring company where 99% of my clients (who were all ESL students with learning disabilities and leprosy) got 2400s on their first try. When US President Barack Obama needed a chauffer for his visit to Miami, he asked me, even though I’m from Cincinnati and identify as a Republican. During my sophomore summer abroad in Libya, I lead a band of rebels in overthrowing totalitarian dictator Muammar Gadhafi, personally shooting a bullet into his brain. And finally, while everyone knows that yes, I did get into Hogwarts, I decided to go to Penn because instead of using wands and spells, I wanted to make magic through the Jerome Fisher Program in Management and Technology. –BB
Hey everyone I’m Corey and I’m running for UA General Body Member. As a member of the undergraduate assembly, I plan to lower tuition, plan more social events, and finally force Wawa to accept dining dollars. In past years there has been a serious lack of transparency between the UA and the student body at large, and I plan to fix that by making sure that every Wawa in University City accepts the dining dollars that many of us can’t currently use to pay for things at Wawa. I also plan to work closely with the Penn Eco reps to make Penn a greener campus as well as a campus that allows students to use their dining dollars at Wawa. Many students can’t afford textbooks on campus, or are bogged down in burdensome student loans. The Wawa Gobbler Bowl is fucking amazing, and you can get one at three in the morning.
Greetings Penn Community! My name is Jonathan Glutten and I want to be YOUR next UA representative. As a computer science minor, I have the skills necessary to finally reform the Campus Express design apparatus and- FUCK IT! Just elect me man. Come on? What do you want? I’ll do anything. Cash? Do you want some cash? Just vote for me already. Drugs? I’ve got perks, xannies, white girl? No, not your thing? Do you want me to punch myself in the face? That’d be funny right! I’ll wear a ballerina costume and just punch myself in the face! I’ve got no shame. Please, come on, just vote for me. I didn’t think it would come to this but, do you want me to suck your dick? I’ll suck your fucking dick man. Please. Let me suck your dick…John Glutten for SAS Representative.
Holt Van Pelt VI
Hello University of Pennsylvania populace. Many people think that because my father is real estate mogul and Van Pelt Library Namesake Holt Van Pelt V that I am privileged and somehow out of touch with the normal experiences of the undergraduate populace. This cannot be further from the truth. I frequently engage in the study of books and the completion of setted problems, having a strong distaste for assignments to be completed in one’s leisure time. The only thing I dislike more than the testing period towards the middle of the semester is the food at the Commons dining establishment. The hamburgered meat and fried potato product which I do eat, are not at all pleasing to my taste buds. My university dormitory room which I stay in with my roommate who exists, is often cold and too small for me to keep all of my possessions. Like most of you, I also adhere to the “work hard play hard” adage and often enjoy alcoholic beverage and cannabis plant. I am Holt Van Pelt VI. Elect me to the UA as I experience the same problems as the University’s proletariat.
I’m not writing my fucking name on here…
Sup Pussies. I’m in a top tier off campus fraternity, I’m not gonna say which one. It’s Oz. And I’m running for UA. Do I have any leadership experience? No. Do I give a fuck? No. Does your girlfriend want to have sex with me? Yes. Why should you vote for me? I do more drugs than you, have more money than you, and your girlfriend wrote like three Penn Admirers about me. I’ve been to rehab more times than I’ve been to class this semester and my villa at PV was catered by monkey butlers (APES joke #scoffcampus). Why else should you vote for me? Let’s see. My Menorah’s made of fucking gold. I shook hands with Asher Roth and gave Calvin Harris a tugboat. Sucks to suck pussies. Why would you vote for a slice of dick cheese like Corey Ramos when you can elect a guy who slays vahg like he’s killing zombies in Dierise (that’s the new level in Black Ops for all you GEEDS too poor to get an XbOZ). I’ve got a Goldman interview in like thirty-five seconds but yeah can’t wait to embezzle funds by alternately befriending then bullying the UA Treasurer. And tell your girlfriend who, by the way, wants to have sex with me that I’ll text her at 4 AM after all the hotter girls say no.
Hi guys! My name is Bethany and I’m running for UA Representative because I believe the UA has a duty to work for both you and my resume. That means creating a clear channel where my leadership roles and simulated altruism can be paraded before employers in a visually appealing way. I am not willing to stand here and let the student body or my “Leadership Experience” section flounder, the latter detailing nothing but a summer stint as part-time Rita’s Manager. I promise that with your help I can make an unenthusiastic comment about the difficultly in paying full tuition, which I will then embellish to read “Successfully passed serious university legislation concerning financial aid reform.” I assure you that if chosen as your representative, I will absentmindedly vote to add a larger salad bar to the dining halls and then shamelessly brag about fighting to “expand vegetarian and eco-friendly meal options advancing both health conscious and environmental goals.” Finally, you might as well elect me, because I’m gonna put it on my resume whether I win or not.
The Editorial Staff of The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl would like to formally endorse Punch Bowl Business Editor Daniel Gelfarb for every available write-in position.