Silence, everyone! Welcome to the first-ever meeting of the Ocelot Secret Freshmen Society. As you all know, we have assembled all of the most promising freshmen at our fair university to form a group of extraordinary power and influence. Now, I shall announce each of the members of our prestigious organization:
- Maya Middlestone, a major advocate of local business. She just found out about this great hole-in-the-wall place called Greek Lady. Places like this need the support of Ocelot!
- Elizabeth Fint, a plucky journalist who is the only person we know that has read the school newspaper from cover to cover.
- Ryan Rockah, a savvy and street-wise individual who knows how to correctly navigate between the Quad and Hill.
- Raj LaPog, an entrepreneur who had an idea in the shower and hopes that nobody steals it.
- Bunger Himshein, a dude who is totally hilarious. He quoted Arrested Development that one time.
- DJ Funk Me Amadeu$ (real name: Alby Hershfeld), plugged his phone into a stereo system at a party and put on a playlist of only Taylor Swift songs and hamster noises.
- Lekha Dodi (real name: Abby Hershfeld), a fixture in the realm of Jewish life and culture. She’s thinking about eating at Hillel next week because she heard the pizza is okay.
- Eddie Fullporp, the official snapper and towel boy for the slam poetry team.
- Marina Iguala, a passionate dancer who dances like nobody is watching. Because nobody is watching. She didn’t make it onto any of the dance teams.
- Chet Rump, a star athlete. The backup fullback on the football team who shows great promise, as he has yet to have his growth spurt.
- Fennis Morchers, a big fan of student government who in fact voted once in an election himself.
- Zolov Nigh, a pretty sick hand drummer who plans to start the greatest hand drumming collective ever (called the Red and Blue Man Group) once he meets some other hand drummers.
- Enrico LaCroix von Bismark, a world traveler. Born in Canada, he has traveled to two of the islands in the Caribbean.
- Wind Love (real name: Amanda Hershfeld), a talented artist who showcases her work in pictures of tomatoes on Instagram.
- Todd, a chill dude who has an N64 in his room.
- Armand Montessor, the official ball of the Varsity Soccer team.
These are our proud and illustrious members! Now, first order of business. Does anyone know what SEPTA is?