If Pharaoh Were a High School Girl

Brought to you by Punch Bowl guest columnist, Myles Wolfe.


Dear Diary,

Like what’s up with Moses lately? Yesterday I texted him to hang out and he goes “no can’t now, busy delivering the Jewish people from bondage.” And I was like “OH MY GOSH you can’t just tell me we can go to brunch and then not go to brunch.” Also have you seen what he looks like? He always wears this ugly, black frock like he’s the wicked witch of the west or something and it’s like you CANNOT dress like that in my kingdom. And his beard looks like some jock on the basketball team peed in it. Like I can’t even take him anywhere in public he is so embarrassing. Also he keeps on threatening me with plagues or something? Like blood rivers and hail and stuff. If he’s on meth again I’m seriously going to flip a shit like I CAN’T EVEN.


Dear Diary,

Why is Moses being such a LITTLE BITCH. Yesterday he comes storming into my room like he owns the fucking place and starts yelling at me to “let his people go” and I’m just like “what do you mean your people because that sounds a little racist to me.” Like does he think he’s the queen of Mesopotamia or something because seriously I’m the one that runs this place.

And now he’s telling everyone that he’s talking to straight to God and it’s like you just can’t do that, you know? Like I snapchat God all of the time and you don’t see me parading around like some idiot telling everybody.

No one knows this, but Moses never even lost his virginity even though he told everyone at sleep away that he did. Miriam told me he only went to second base then started crying about how he has daddy issues. If Moses threatens me one more time I’m seriously going to tell everyone that he’s still a virgin and then no one will want to be friends with him. And also I told him never to wear crocs again and he did and it’s just like no I don’t allow that. Struggles.


Dear Diary,

Today the water I was drinking turned into blood and it was the most disgusting thing that’s ever happened to me. I thought it was just the plumbing again but then when I went to go take a bath the water also turned into blood. It looked like my face had its period or something OMG it was so ew. I invited Moses to brunch today for the second time to try and make amends but he didn’t show up and I had to drink like all 30 mimosas by myself and I got so sloppy. It was so embarrassing ugh.  Like I don’t even want Moses here anymore like he can take his people and leave they’re not even good at building anything. I mean, it took 50 years for one freaking pyramid. But actually.

Seriously like I am so busy with cheerleading and AP’s and ruling over Egypt and I have no time for this. Also prom is coming up and I don’t even think I fit into a size three anymore I’m gunna have to be bulimic again and seriously like that gives me such bad breath like I can’t.


Dear Diary,

Today I let Moses and his people go. He took this funky looking bread with him and left. Turns out he actually was talking to God and I’m the total bitch. Gunna go watch the Bachelorette and cry now. Bye.

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