Things I Unintentionally Learned During NSO

Walking onto Penn’s campus for the first time, legs shaking and palms sweating, baby Quakers nervously and excitedly take in all that there is to learn. Just like real babies, they must learn how to walk down Locust without tripping, how to talk with a New York accent in order to fit in, and which foods in the dining halls will make them puke. Thanks to Punch Bowl’s blossoming staff of virginal members, we’ve compiled the list of things they learned during NSO:

  • No one relevant lives in Gregory
  • DuBois is a myth
  • People are already pregaming Spring Fling
  • Male nurses are like leprechauns
  • “MERTed” and “murdered” sound dangerously close
  • The naked men on Pottruck’s locker room scales just want a really accurate reading
  • If you walk outside you will be either begged for money or drowned in flyers
  • Allegros always closes five minutes before you get there
  • The taste of Wawa sandwiches is exponentially proportional to the lateness of the night
  • You can have the same conversation with the same person and not remember either of them
  • Always be nice to the dining hall ladies…they will cut you
  • Orthodox Jews and Amish people are two very different things
  • There’s a frat tank for every occasion
  • The first sign that someone’s not ok is when they say they are ok
  • You will learn to hate Wawa but you’ll never learn to not go back
  • First law of Asians: Asians tend towards one another no matter what and form impenetrable groups
  • I learned that my liver can lose its sense of trust
  • It’s cheaper to steal things from frat houses than to pay for them
  • There’s approximately a 15 second time period in which you will remember someone’s name
  • The best way to meet new people is when you’re trying to maintain the ratio
  • The only time you remember is when you say I’m never going remember you
  • The best way to meet people is to talk about how shitty other people are
  • Not everyone is white
  • Easy mac a la vodka ain’t too bad
  • To not follow that one douche bag with the phone (or to follow him if you want to get turned away from a party and then lost in West Philly)
  • That it’s not Vodka, its Everclear
  • To get into a frat you need: 3 cans of spam, one Taiwanese prostitute, a map of the northwest passage, a Swiss army knife, a Sherpa, deodorant, 3 grams of cocaine, a lock of Amy Gutmann’s hair
  • How to do quick mental math to calculate your ratio
  • The size of your roommate’s penis
  • Your roommate’s favorite position
  • Your roommates favorite “website”
  • Just too much damn shit about your roommate
  • The definition of gentrified
  • That homeless person on walnut street doesn’t actually want 83 cents
  • Which vents/grates are nice this time of year
  • That homeless man’s life story
  • Being a varsity athlete grants you an equivalent amount of respect from your peers as does being a moderately good juggler
  • OCR actually starts NOW
  • Sinks in the quad don’t drain throw up
  • All conversations end after “and what’s your major?”
  • When you’re from Westchester, where you went to sleep-away camp is very important
  • West is not the direction home from 40th and Spruce
  • My sexual orientation
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