WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Barack Obama has issued a National State of Emergency as the country has devolved into what can only be described as “complete fucking chaos.” Areas stretching from Los Angeles to Cleveland are now smoldering ruins and the surviving mob is expected to move globally within a few weeks.
The sole culprit of this wanton waste of human life is Rockstar North’s newest video game, Grand Theft Auto V, a game best described as “an acceptable substitute to reality.” Although the game was released exactly a week ago with huge critical acclaim, many people regret buying and/or playing it. Now dubbed the “harbinger of death for Western civilization,” it is now responsible for trillions of dollars’ worth of property damage and medical bills.
The immersive gameplay, cinematic story mode, enormous world, and collector’s items were not enough to keep these would-be criminals off the street. Within hours, anyone who played this game became more aggressive, had no regard for the law, and developed a strange appreciation for 90s West Coast G-funk.
In some cases, it was reported that people lost their understanding of basic physics and crashed stolen dump trucks into other stolen dump trucks at very low velocities. There were also reports of people stealing handguns only to severely hurt themselves as most people do not understand the concept of recoil. Many people also attempted to steal aircraft only to find out that most airplanes require extensive training to get off the ground.
Despite these setbacks, these madmen (and madwomen), now simply called “the infected,” managed to destroy most cities as police stations and hospitals got the memo to “get the fuck out of town.” There appears to be no end to the mania and many people, such as your humble reporter, are simply preparing for the end.
Even so, many defenders of video games are still saying that video games do not make people more violent; comedy articles depicting the brutal end of human civilization do.