How to Deal with Breaking Bad Withdrawal

SPOILER ALERT: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE NOT CAUGHT UP WITH Breaking Bad!

Ok, now that we’ve gotten rid of all those losers, we can spend the next few minutes hours days talking about Breaking Bad.

As you already know, Breaking Bad will be ending on Sunday, and I for one am terrified. I imagine the withdrawal process from the show to be something similar to weaning oneself off crystal meth, complete with shaking fits, cold spells, and sudden impulses to seek out a drug kingpin. To anticipate these consequences, I’ve started brainstorming some things that may assuage the pain to come:

Breakfast: Nothing cures a hangover like a nice, gigantic, greasy breakfast, and I think that the same concept should apply to this situation. Let’s be honest, Monday morning, post-finale will probably be comparable to the morning after a long night of drinking – the room will be spinning, your stomach will be overcome with nausea, and you’ll spend a few hours trying to piece together what happened the night before. After you drag yourself out of bed, DO NOT GO ON YOUR COMPUTER. You’ll see pictures of events from the night before that you wished never happened. Just employ the time-tested strategy of comfort eating. Grab some eggs, maybe some bacon too. For fun, you can arrange your bacon to spell your age…

A Bucket of Fried Chicken: Ok, so maybe breakfast at home isn’t the best option. It will bring back too many painful memories and may lead to you shaving your head and attempting to grow a goatee – or at least a sweet moustache. A good plan at this point is to grab your black fedora and hit the streets in search of food. I know that whenever I’m hungover, a great cure is something greasy, like some French fries, a funnel cake, or fried chicken. Actually, fried chicken is probably your best option – after a week of sitting inside desperately trying to binge-watch the entire series between the second-to-last and last episodes you’ll need the protein. In case you’re not sure where to find some good friend chicken, check out Kentucky Fried Chicken, Popeyes, or Los Pollos Hermanos…

A Trip to New Hampshire: Bad plan! Abort! Don’t go looking for fried chicken! You’ll inevitably find yourself headed for Albuquerque trying to find a branch of the infamous fried chicken shop/meth distribution center. Unfortunately, Los Pollos Hermanos doesn’t exist in real life – trust me, I’ve tried to find it. Being found by the police dehydrated and lost in the middle of Albuquerque is no fun at all – especially if your explanation is that you’re looking for the hideout of a meth kingpin. If you’ve already begun the trek to Albuquerque, just turn around and head somewhere that’s the complete opposite of New Mexico. New Mexico is hot, so you’ll want cold. It’s also a desert, so you’ll probably want a forest. And it’s in the southwest, so the northeast seems like a good option. I heard New Hampshire is nice this time of year…

Snorting Crystal Meth: Grab yourself a copy of any Breaking Bad DVD you can find and a hunk of blue meth. Crush the meth on top of the disk and snort ‘til you can’t remember anything about Walter White. I know what you’re thinking – won’t this ruin the DVD?! The answer is yes, but honestly a meth addiction is probably less crippling than an addiction to Breaking Bad.

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