Breaking: Penn Shutting Down in Budget Stalemate

On Tuesday, October 1, 2013, tuition reforms proposed and passed by University of Pennsylvania President Amy Gutmann were supposed to go into effect. However, after a long stand off with some of the university’s wealthiest students, the bill has not yet been enacted, causing a shutdown of the university. The objecting students would like the money meant to lower tuition to be used to build a fleet of private jets to charter students during breaks.

Classes will be postponed until further notice, and professors need not come to campus. Make friends with the mold in the bathroom and the squirrels coming in through your window, because maintenance workers will also be furloughed. The university shutdown also includes a leave of absence for Bon Appetit employees, so all freshmen will starve.

Sophomore Chad Whitingworth IV said, “Aren’t these people happy to be on vacation? Why would you want to come in to work when you can play golf?”

“My parents have paid for my tuition every year, and I plan on having them pay until I am 25- and done with grad school,” said junior Kate Goldsmith. “People shouldn’t just be given tuition for no reason, they need to earn it, whether by working or just being born into money.”

“All women have a right to birth control,” said Jane Smith. “Oh, wait, this is a different shutdown? My bad.”

One fraternity held a filibustering “Coffee Party” across the street from President Gutmann’s house, which lasted for 21 hours. One brother stood on the porch of the fraternity house speaking on a range of topics, from his love of the macaroni and cheese at Wawa to his favorite author, Shel Silverstein.

“He would not eat his sovereign steak, he scorned his soup and kingly cake, and told his courtly cook to bake, an extra-sticky peanut-butter sandwich. And then one day he took a bite, and started chewing with delight, but found his mouth was stuck quite tight, from that last bite of peanut-butter sandwich.”

A few students still do not know what is going on. “Didn’t we have the lock down drill a few days ago?” asked senior Will Jones.

Freshman Fred Roberts does not approve of the shutdown. “Everyone deserves affordable tuition. And with the shut down, what’s the nice lady who makes the good omelets going to do all day? Make omelets at home?”

Student Health Services will still be operating, although they barely function in the first place.

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