BREAKING: Local Bike Thief Mystified by U-Lock

Guest columnist and freshman, Jeffrey Silver, may have only been at Penn for a few weeks, but even he knows never to mess with a U-Lock. Read his in depth report from the field to learn more.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Local bike thief Chuck Phillips approached a white fixed gear bicycle parked at the bike rack on 38th and Walnut, only to give up his petty crimes when he saw that it was secured by a U-Lock. Phillips was both confounded and entranced by the lock, saying it was “hot to the touch” and repelled him “like holy water.”

Phillips confirmed that he tried using wire cutters to overcome the lock’s power, but the tool melted in his hands. Eyewitness reporters described the sight as “simply breathtaking.”

An Allied Barton security guard who asked to remain nameless said that it is commonplace for guards to watch thieves approach U-lock protected bikes and refrain from intervening. He said, “Sometimes we just like to watch. You never know what’s going to happen when they go after those U-Locks.”

UPenn Vice President for Public Safety, Maureen Rush, has gone on record supporting expanded use of the U-Lock. She has gone as far as to recommend that students secure their cell phones, laptops, and study spaces with U-Locks. “Next time you need to go to the bathroom while in the crime infested Van Pelt basement, simply place your U-Lock on top of your valuables, and have faith in its ability to secure. Furthermore, your U-Lock can help protect you,” said Rush, who is known around campus for her fear inciting speech to hung-over freshman at NSO. “Next time you are walking home and considering calling an escort, let those cell phone minutes roll over and just secure the U-Lock around your arm or throat. That will provide more security than any escort you could dream of.”

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