Class of 2017 Executive Vice President, Max Levy, recently met with Madame President Gutmann herself. He may have stolen this letter from her desk.
October 24, 2013
Ms. Amy Gutmann
University of Pennsylvania
1 College Hall, Room 100
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 19104
Dear Ms. Gutmann:
I am writing to you to address a grave injury I have been suffering for far too long. I have been dealt the severe misfortune of having my name listed second on not one, but two different buildings at the University of Pennsylvania. I didn’t build Steinberg-Dietrich Hall to be reduced to the D in Steiny-D. Dietrich really isn’t that hard to pronounce; I demand for my name to respected. And we all know Steinberg was a total asshole. My hall was there first, but he came along, built another wing, and shoved himself in where he didn’t belong. Who would it hurt if we just called it Dietry-S?
In addition, I’m not sure if even you are aware that your library’s full name is the Van Pelt Dietrich library. It’s one thing for people to call me D, but it’s an outrage that people forget I exist. To compensate me for the years of non-recognition I’ve received, I demand that you erase all mention of Van Pelt’s name from the building. Every engraving, every cobblestone, every piece of paper that ever said Van Pelt’s name—I want it all gone. My name, obviously, will replace his in each location. By the beginning of Spring 2014, students across campus should be studying (or at least pretending to study) in Dietrich.
I also must address the grievances of my esteemed colleagues, Mr. Bennett and Mr. Hassenfeld. That little shit Fisher took advantage of both of them: he’s put his name at the front of TWO different buildings! Mr. Bennett would be happy to compromise and rename his building Bennett-Fisher Hall. Mr. Hassenfield isn’t feeling quite so generous. He kindly requests that you rename the following college houses: Hassenfeld-Riepe, Hassenfeld-Ware, and Hassenfeld-Hassenfeld. Should you not comply with his wishes, he will personally fund the demolition of the entire Fisher-Hassenfeld building.
I look forward to hearing from you, and I would be more than happy to consider any other naming opportunities in the near future. As long as Steinberg stays far, far away, of course. And don’t even get me started on the Perelmans.
D. Wellington Dietrich