BREAKING: HipCityVeg and Sweetgreen Become Enemies

After just two weeks of opening for business, Penn’s newest restaurant, HipCityVeg, has effectively stolen 84% of Sweetgreen’s customer base. HipCityVeg is campus’s newest restaurant that caters to vegans, disillusioned hippies, and anyone who pretends to know what a Portobello mushroom is. Because of its quirky menu, it has slowly been stealing away Sweetgreen’s customers, thus creating an intense rivalry between the two.

“I do not feel threatened at all. This is just a fad,” said Tommy Watson, manager of Sweetgreen. “It’s so unhealthy over there anyways. I hear they use real chicken and just trick everybody into thinking it’s a vegan restaurant. Also, they don’t even have mesclun there. What is this? The 90’s?”

With tensions running high, Sweetgreen employees have been exhausting all efforts to take back their customers. Yesterday they were seen outside of HipCityVeg holding up signs that read: “HipCityVeg discriminates against meat-eaters”, “HipCityVeg uses child labor”, and “HipCityVeg hates puppies and world peace”. In addition, Sweetgreen employees have created trails of quinoa and agave nectar that lead to their store in order to lure more customers inside. Unfortunately, though, this has just increased their ant problem.

“Those signs were totally ridiculous,” said Tiffany Kahn, manager of HipCityVeg. “First of all, we do not discriminate here. Secondly, those eight year olds told us they wanted to work here instead of going to school. There’s nothing wrong with that. Sweetgreen is just jealous because we have better food and prettier people. And they also have those weird forks there that are made out of cornstarch or something. Sweetgreen clearly hates plastic, hates free enterprise, and hates America.”

Other restaurants in the area have taken note of the new rivalry, but seem to be uninterested. “Both of those restaurant are disgusting,” said Johnny Cruz, manager of Chipotle. “Who wants to eat those elitist ingredients anyways? Here at Chipotle, you can get a big bowl of meaty deliciousness well under $8. None of that kale nonsense over here.”

While data is still being calculated, it is inconclusive if HipCityVeg will be able to sustain this boom in customers.

Rumor also has it that Jenny from Sweetgreen is secretly dating Michael from HipCityVeg, which complicates things even further. “They both go into our store bathroom with their food orders and just stay in there for hours. All we hear is moaning and groaning. I honestly can’t tell if they’re having sex or just eating our juicy, meaty lamb shawarma. Probably the latter,” said an anonymous employee at Hummus Grill.

 

 

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