With Homecoming drawing near, Punchbowl reporter Luke Hoban was investigating events on campus and stumbled across this shocking story.
PHILADELPHIA – In a hastily called press conference ahead of Saturday’s homecoming game, Penn founder Benjamin Franklin announced that he was selling the naming rights to Franklin Field because he “just doesn’t care.”
The diplomat, inventor, scientist and Founding Father stated “Benjamin Franklin has too many irons in his Franklin stove–which he still haven’t gotten any royalties for. Money’s been tight, especially with the economic downturn over the past few years. Benjamin had to re-evaluate where he was in his life and decide what he wanted to continue doing. He ultimately realized that he simply doesn’t care about higher education.”
The sale was rumored to be in the works for a few weeks, but was not confirmed until a wealthy plumber named Scott Princeton stepped in to be the buyer. Princeton, founder of Princeton + Sons Plumbing, immediately settled on a name: Princeton Field. Princeton, interestingly, also discussed plans for buying up other buildings on campus. In particular, he singled out the entire Freshman Quad, which he plans to rename The Tiger Dorms. He also discussed potentially buying up Penn Park and renaming it after his beloved dog, Quakers Suck. For now, though, the re-naming of Penn’s iconic football field would be effective immediately.
President Gutmann released a statement later in the day that read in its entirety, “As long as the new guy doesn’t touch my Insomnia cookies I don’t care what the fuck happens.”
The general reaction around campus was confused optimism. “Seriously, people need to get over it,” said Will Holmes, W’15. “The free market is the most important thing that has ever existed. Sports and education, however, are meaningless social constructs that should not be considered factors in the glorious world of private industry.”
“If Ben Franklin wanted to sell out, then who am I to stop him?” reiterated Christian James, W’16. “I mean, what is America if not brutally capitalistic?”