Penn administrators have just announced they will create a new initiative for all students entitled “Kids Without Bigs”. This organization will help Penn students who are not involved in Greek life by setting them up with their very own big.
“This past year, we raised over four billion dollars. Naturally, we decided to use this endowment for two, equally necessary, initiatives. The first is new soap dispensers in all bathrooms across campus. The second, of course, is for Kids Without Bigs. We will be donating a large amount of money to help students get their very own big,” said Victor Jones, the head of “Time to Shine”. “We still don’t have enough money to buy clocks for classrooms, though. Clocks are surprisingly expensive.”
“I think it’s really amazing and I can’t wait to be paired up with my big,” said an emotional Jaime Brown, Penn sophomore. “Everyone around me is always like ‘OMG I love my lin’, and I cry every time I hear that because I have no lin to love me. No one loves me. But now I’ll have my very own big to take care of me and buy me free shit. The life, am I right?”
“As a student involved in Greek life, I can see how this new charity is really important. I love hanging out with my big. You really become so close with your lineage. Yesterday I even shared a sandwich with my big big’s step-little twin little’s big big. It was great. It’s all about establishing relationships so I’m glad Penn is doing this”, said Max Carter, Penn Junior.
The hardest challenge, though, will be for Penn administrators to find people who will volunteer to act as bigs. As of now, the charity only has three people signed up: the weird guy from Cosi, the annoying protester near Van Pelt, and the guy from CVS who always asks if you’ve found everything you’ve needed. “Right now we have a good group of volunteers, but we’re still working on it,” said Jones.
“I just really can’t wait”, said Jaime Brown. “Me and my big are going to spend so much time together gossiping, talking about boys, and painting each other’s nails. And finally, I’ll have someone to do coke with. And isn’t that what we all want? To be able to do coke with our bigs?”