For those of you who don’t follow Canadian politics, Rob Ford is the current mayor of Toronto who recently admitted to smoking crack while in one of his many “drunken stupors”. The Punch Bowl sat down with the current mayor to talk about his thoughts on drugs.
Punch Bowl: Thank you so much for sitting down with us, Mr. Ford. So you’re here to tell us why drugs are dangerous, correct?
Rob Ford: Yes, drugs can only do bad things. You should never do drugs. Well, maybe do certain drugs sometimes when you’re feeling in the mood. What I’m trying to say is, drugs are pretty bad. I mean, look at me for example. I’ve done a lot of drugs and now so many people hate me. Just the other day I tackled a city councilor and now my wife is telling me she wants to separate because “my drug use has spiraled out of control” and “I look like an aging Bilbo Baggins who’s slowly being poisoned”. But what does she know? Smoking that crack was really fun, and I don’t regret it. I mean…I do regret it. Yeah, don’t do drugs, I guess.
Punch Bowl: I’m sorry, could you clarify please? This is an anti-drug PSA. Maybe you can tell us how bad your life is now that you’ve admitted to smoking crack.
Rob Ford: Yes, yes of course. Don’t do drugs, people. It will only harm you and the ones you love. Forget that I’m practically famous around the world, Buzzfeed keeps on writing articles about me, and my approval rating is through the roof (it’s higher than Obama’s). Drugs are still bad for you and you shouldn’t do them, no matter how fun they are or how cheap they are or how they give you an adrenaline rush that makes you feel like you’re on top of the world and you can accomplish anything you want because you’re just so fucking awesome. Just don’t do drugs, okay?
Punch Bowl: Can you tell us why you think you started using drugs?
Rob Ford: Well, as mayor of Toronto, I just had such a stressful job. So many people were relying on me, so many policies I had to execute, so many laws I had to put into action. I just couldn’t take the stress anymore.
Punch Bowl: Really? Well, that’s interes-
Rob Ford: Nah, who am I kidding? It’s Canada! Nothing goes on over here. I took those drugs because I was sooooooo bored and Breaking Bad has just ended so I felt a little inspired. But, I promise I won’t do them again because now I’m in pretty deep trouble.
Punch Bowl: So, just to conclude, you do not advise others to use drugs?
Rob Ford: Yes. I mean yes, don’t do drugs, and no don’t not do drugs. Wait a second, what was the question again? Sorry, I’m pretty high right now.