Underachieving College Junior Wears Suit, Uses Cell Phone in Public

PHILADELPHIA, PA – College of Arts and Sciences junior Andre Gerber was seen near Huntsman Hall wearing a suit and speaking on a cell phone in order to make himself seem important. Gerber was using phrases and buzzwords such as “networking,” “financial sector,” “get your act together,” “end-of-year BYO,” and “buzzword.” It was later reported that Gerber walked down Locust and made sure to scoff at everyone flyering, whether a flyer was stuck in his face or not. And although he was power-walking aimlessly up and down Locust Walk talking about making “big moves,” he made sure to tell everyone he knew that “I’m busy, talk to you later, k?”
Longtime associate and fellow slacker Tommy Chen was surprised by the sudden change: “Yeah, it’s surprising to see him like this. He’s usually a chill guy. I mean, not the best student, but who is? I guess it’s just the pressure of the real world is finally creeping up on him.”
When asked for an interview, Gerber declined, stating “Listen, I’d love to stop and chat, but I have to meet up with some very important people in half an hour.” Half an hour later, Gerber was spotted at Houston Hall, talking too loudly on his cell phone and annoying those around him.

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