As you brave the cold on your walk to the library, check out freshman guest columnist Jeffrey Silver’s report of what is happening in Fisher Fine Arts. You might just want to go to Van Pelt instead…
At 9:46 AM, a regretful freshman’s cell phone went off in the Fisher Fine Arts Library. The young girl was immediately embarrassed when “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls blared through her iPhone’s speaker. The freshman (who is being kept anonymous for her own safety) quickly reached for her pink and blue iPhone 5C, then fumbled to dismiss the call. Reports have confirmed that twelve seconds of the chorus played before the device was silenced.
With the silence broken, pre-med sophomore Brian Ferguson dropped his pen into his Chemical Principles textbook, bent his knees, and flipped his study table over. “I’m fucking done,” he said, only to scream in horror as College junior Cynthia Caldwell stood up and, according to eye-witnesses, sprouted horns and a crimson tail. Pandemonium ensued as a sinkhole emerged in the “Painting Practices” stack, unleashing Lucifer’s nine circles of hell on those working in the library.
Cerberus, the three-headed dog, jumped out of the hellhole followed by various creatures from the depths of the underworld. A Cyclops climbed out of the entryway, followed by the ghosts of John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, and Carly Rae Jepson. The terrifying trifecta wreaked havoc on the library, with complete disregard for exam period and “crunch time” for many students.
Freshman Candace Simmons was studying in the catwalk above “the pit” and was able to observe the madness from a safe location. “I got into fetal position and just watched in disbelief. There was so much commotion. I just wanted to talk to my mommy,” she said, still displaying visible signs of post-traumatic stress.
The madness subsided when Dean of Admissions Eric Furda and his highly qualified team of admissions officers entered the library in full ghost-busting garb. Dean Furda herded the larger beasts back into hell while yelling, “Yippee ki-yay! Hell hath seen no fury like UPenn Admissions!”
Pierre Strongbull-Simpson, admissions officer for Southeast Asia, Nova Scotia, and Duluth, Minnesota, confronted the ghost of Carly Rae Jepson by playing Rebecca Black’s new hit entitled “Saturday,” causing the phantom to shrivel up before the first chorus. It has been reported that the ghost of Carly Rae Jepson snickered the phrase, “Next time you’ll think before telling your friend to ‘Call you maybe’ before entering the library,” followed by a cackle that shattered many of the century-old windows.
Once the library had returned to its usual volume, the freshman girl recovered her phone and tweeted, “I always thought it was funny and ironic to have the Spice Girls as my ring tone… but now, now I see just how much danger it can cause.”