Finals Drive Freshman Literally Insane—Literally.

More finals procrastination material, coming at you from guest columnist Pallavi Wakharkar.

Finals are upon us, and many Quakers are buckling from the sheer stress of it all. But freshman Lily Watterson reached a new level of stress during her first round of finals.

On Friday, December 13th, Watterson loudly whispered to her friend, “These finals are driving me literally insane! Literally!”

Friend Anna Jacobs, an English major with a crippling sense of inadequacy and super boring hair, proceeded to say, “Figuratively—I think you mean figuratively.”

The sentence barely escaped Jacobs’ glossed lips before Watterson leapt from her seat in Van Pelt, screaming at the top of her lungs and beating her chest. Fellow students working in the library averted their eyes and kept working as Watterson grabbed her mini-stapler and began to staple her eyelids shut in a finals-induced psychosis.

“I never want to see another differential equation ever again! EVER!” Watterson shrieked. Minutes later, the authorities found her naked on top of the Benjamin Franklin statue shouting, “Why don’t you love me, Ben? Why doesn’t anyone love me?!”

After fleeing the authorities, publicly urinating, and assaulting a police officer, Watterson was finally captured. As the Penn police handcuffed her, she allegedly screamed, “All I want to do is rage tweet my feelings and I can’t! And why can’t I open my eyes?! Thanks a lot, Obama!”

Chief Joe Mariano of the Penn police commented, “We always have a student who goes crazy during finals week, but, boy, this chick was really nuts. When we were tasing her, she begged us to do it harder. And then she started crying when we stopped!”

“I mean, at least I’m the prettier one now,” Jacobs told onlookers as Watterson was dragged away in a straitjacket, a mixture of blood and tears pouring from her maimed eyelids.

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