Wealthy White Anglo-Saxon Protestants across campus are currently united in outrage over the recent proliferation of Great Gatsby themed parties hosted by various student organizations.  Henry Prescott, a junior from southwestern Connecticut, removed his Ray Ban sunglasses before remarking: “There’s a real lack of respect at play here. I’ve seen pictures of these parties; do you know they serve boxed wine at these functions? I swear, there wasn’t even a bottle of Veuve there.”

Jack Worthington, a sophomore and self-professed descendant of the original Mayflower crew, took issue with the idea itself: “I just think that unless you’re incredibly wealthy, or can trace your ancestry back to the English gentry, you really have no business imitating our lifestyle. I don’t think the proles conducting these parties meant to personally insult us, but their one-dimensional imitations have been downright offensive.”

Worthington continued, “The idea that you can reduce us to formal clothes and alcohol consumption is nothing but a caricature. Do you see paid staff serving hors d’oeuvres? Doubtful. Are there separate rooms for dinner, drinks, and dessert? I don’t think so. Are there minorities in attendance? Probably! It’s a shame that people feel the need to marginalize us by not properly representing our ability to marginalize others.”

After a few Facebook statuses, DP columns, lawsuits, and an international ad campaign, Worthington and other Nantucket regulars believe the Great Gatsby parties will finally stop. Elizabeth Hathaway is among the students relieved to hear the news, saying: “I’m just glad everyone’s going to go back to celebrating the version of the American dream that’s right for their position.”