Safety Is Not A Joke

Today is Spring Break Eve, which means throughout the day thousands of college students will be travelling to exotic destinations all around the world to enjoy a well-deserved week of sun, booze, and hepatitis-filled tap water. In order to keep you safe this spring break, the Pennsylvania Punch Bowl has translated a few of the more confusing cartoons on a typical airplane’s safety card. If you read this list through, we guarantee that you will have a safe and relaxing spring break. If you don’t, we hope you contract mega-herpes.

A free bag of Terra Blues potato chips will be rewarded to the passenger with the best impression of Mufasa from the Lion King. Bonus points if you use vital airplane safety devices as props.
After the safety instructions, we will be offering a plane-wide cry session. You may begin once Marvin’s Room by Drake starts playing over the airplane speakers.
Not sure what gender your seatmate is? Try looking here!
Please do not drop kick people out of the plane. A forceful push will suffice.
Don’t be heartless; please assist any dwarfs if they too want to pretend they are Bane from the Dark Knight Rises.
This Boeing 747 can also convert into a mobile amusement park. But don’t puss out at the top of the slide like last year, Carl.
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