HIALEAH, FL: In an astonishing turn of events, Florida man Charles Gibson has done nothing particularly shocking for the past 72 hours.
“It’s really surprising to everyone that I’ve made it this far,” admits Charles, fidgeting uncomfortably on his half futon that he claims to have discovered generously dusted with cocaine and lit on fire in front of his boathouse last week, “my family is especially shocked, these kinds of things don’t usually happen. Just a few days ago I wrestled a beaver for a bag of Funyuns while my neighbors’ children watched on. I think that made at least local news.”
Charles is 35 and lives with his wife/step-cousin Abigail. She too expressed concern about her husband/sperm donor’s sudden lack of publicity.
“We’re decent, God fearing folk down here. We try to live simple lives. But this, this is just unnatural. I can’t walk into town with Charlie anymore without someone bugging us about it. They just stare at us like we’re freaks, being all normal and [expletive],” she admitted while baking a fresh batch of heroin laced imitation girl scout cookies. “They sell better if they look like Tagalongs, and they really fly at middle schools and playgrounds,” she explained.
The couple were unsure as to whether or not this newsworthy mundanity would extend past this week, however Boris, their Ukrainian tax consultant/caged gimp expressed visible skepticism during the interview. When approached on the issue he was unable to comment, although that was most likely due to his gag and LeBron James leather face mask.