Bachelor Shocks the Nation by Choosing Himself

Katie Sgarro, junior and Bachelor enthusiast, takes on Juan Pablo following The Bachelor finale.

What produces more tears than an 8 A.M. recitation at DRL? Juan Pablo Galavis, the latest star of The Bachelor. America watched as the man deemed worthy of practicing polygamy for several months caused multiple women to ugly cry. After America experienced countless scenes of the bachelor working on his abs and staring at himself in the mirror, we saw Juan Pablo finally realize that the person who loves Juan Pablo the most is Juan Pablo. This seems like an epiphany worthy of a television show, production crew, 25 women, and millions of dollars.

However, before we judge the bachelor too harshly can we really blame Juan Pablo for choosing himself in the end? First, there is the likely possibility that Juan Pablo simply did not understand the show or anything that was ever said by the participants. Fans of “bachelor nation,” the host, and the show’s 25 contestants all conveniently gloss over the alarming fact that Juan Pablo has not yet mastered the English language.

But that’s not to suggest Juan Pablo is stupid. Instead of learning English, he chooses throughout the show to use his lack of proficiency as an excuse to say whatever the hell he wants to the 25 desperate women vying for his affection. (Note to Juan: The only person who can be that honest is Oprah.)

Exhibit A:

Juan Pablo: “You aren’t my favorite and I don’t like or respect you as a person, but I guess you can stay on the show for one more week.”

Contestant #1: “…I don’t understand…”

Juan Pablo: “It’s ok. It’s ok. English is my second language…emm the language barrier, no?”

Contestant #1: Gazes lovingly at Juan Pablo.

Exhibit B:

Juan Pablo: “You’re ugly and I hate you. Can I have un beso?”

All Contestant #2 hears is “beso,” which she has been trained to recognize as “kiss.”

Maybe it’s a good thing that Juan Pablo doesn’t speak English given the quality of the 25 contestants. For instance, would anyone in his right mind date a person who lists “dog lover” as her occupation?

Here are some helpful translations for Juan Pablo:

1. Dog lover = Unemployed, homeless drifter…who maybe encounters a stray dog once in awhile? The real question is: How did she possibly get time off?

2. Free spirit = Cray. Run Juan Pablo!! ¡¡Corre Juan!!

3. Science educator = Too good for the word “teacher.”

4. 21–year-old “former” NBA dancer = There are no words.

Yet despite all the evidence pointing to the show’s inevitable conclusion of Juan Pablo prancing off into the sunset with himself, fans remained convinced that their beloved bachelor would propose to one of his many suitors. But reality finally hit when Juan Pablo offered the final rose to the last woman after she delivered a heartfelt speech declaring her love. Juan Pablo replied with a winning, “I like you a lot.”

juan pablo heart

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