What If There Was No Government As We Know It?

It seems that every way guest columnist Brendan Murray looks, governments are letting their people down. Riots and protests in Ukraine. The Arizona legislature passing a bill allowing businesses to turn away gay customers based upon their religious beliefs. Arnold Schwarzenegger refusing to answer my e-mails about whether or not he is going to appear in Terminator 5. These, and many other issues that refuse to go away (like that persistent rash on my inner thigh) made the members of Punch Bowl sit up and take notice. Naturally, we gravitated away from “How can we use these events to craft a better tomorrow?” and more towards “There’s a fart joke in here somewhere. I just know it.” Sadly, no such joke was able to be found. Instead, we decided to do a poll of University City residents and see what they would do if there was no government as we know it. The answers were varied, surprising, but ultimately disappointing, because nobody suggested gladiator battles as the new way of resolving world conflicts, Mad Max style.

Sam Liebowicz, Wharton Junior

“As a member of Wharton, I would organize all the smartest, most powerful men and women into one government, creating a new world order that focuses on peace and harmony while stamping out those who seek to do us harm. I would be able to do this because I am in Wharton. Did I mention I’m in Wharton?”

Natalie Rutherford, College Sophomore

“I would seize power in one fell swoop, making myself supreme ruler of all nations. Then I would tear the tags off of all the mattresses! I’ve always wanted to do that!”

Dan Shipworth, might not actually go here

“We have a government? Shit, man, I’ll smoke to that. Yo, want a hit of this? It’s some dank ass bud. Got it from my dealer over on 46th street. I can’t wait for the day that weed is legalized. Did you know it’s less harmful than alcohol and smoking? And, like, why can [a total fucking loser like me] go buy a handgun, but I can’t blaze whenever I want [and contribute nothing to society]? It seriously makes no sense. Damn, I love weed. What was the original question?”

Sichao Zhang, Engineering Freshman

“That could never happen. Governments are built to last and all of them collapsing at once is just a stupid scenario. Also, please don’t put my first name in this article. I go by “Bobby” now. Okay?”

Homeless man who was outside Wawa but followed us for 4 blocks (unsolicited)

“You don’t understand! Obama put the toxins in the water! We are eating the mind-control drugs right now! It’s in the pork and beans and avocados! Big Corn is in on it! They keep profiting for the end of days! Obama is the harbinger of death with Hillary as his avenging angel and he shall spell the end for all of us! Await the return of Zuul for he shall come and strike down the unworthy! And please buy me a Chipotle burrito.”

These are the most thought-provoking answers we found in and around University City (the least thought-provoking answers were either variations on “get the hell out of my way, hippie!” or angry stares from that one girl who had to hand out the DP at 8 in the morning). Do you think we are going to stand up, take notice and say “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”? Or are we going to continue living like sheeple, bound for the meat factory that is life in this crazy world? Sound off in the comments below or send angry tirades about governmental policy/dining hall food quality to agutmann@sexyprexy.upenn.edu.

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