Rap Analytics II: Gangsta Girl Talk

Hey. Hey you. Yeah you. This is the second part of a series on the art of rap music. Have you read the first? No? Well then FUCK YOU.

Adam Bradley’s Book of Rhymes: The Poetics of Hip-Hop tells us that rap music can be appreciated as an art form in the same vein as a Robert Frost poem (two roads diverged in a ghetto hood…). Since art’s primary purpose is to teach the audience some inherent truth about life, in this installment of rap analytics we will look at what rappers have taught us about the “gentler sex” and the useful gardening item, “hoes”.

Jay-Z

He’s got 99 problems, and the size of those glasses are definitely one.

“Scope honey from the whip. Jump out like ‘YAH! Who tha fuck you with?’” – Jay-Z, I Know What Girls Like

Translation: First, observe your target from a distance. Now quietly…sneak up behind her…and RAAAAAAAAH WHO IS YOUR FRIEND WOMAN?”

Jay-Z has gotten quite a bit of flack for bearing an uncanny resemblance to a camel, but the fact of the matter is Jay-Z impregnated Beyoncé. People believe that it’s due to his swagger, his money, or his inflatable lips that charms the ladies, but clearly it’s pick up strategies like these that really “gets the [girls] going.” Has your lady ever wished you were a bit more spontaneous? These tiger-like predator tactics are a must.

Drake

Drake listening to the new Taylor Swift album.

“I can make your pussy whistle like the Andy Griffith theme song” – Drake, Best I Ever Had

To differentiate yourself from the millions of dudes trying to inseminate the same woman you would like to, you need to have a special talent. Drake advises to venture away from mundane activities like buying her a drink, regular conversation, or juggling. Instead, he suggests more nightmare-inducing talents like using genitalia as a musical instrument. Word has it that Nicki Minaj’s new single is about her penis trumpeting skills.

Chamillionaire

Chamillionaire makes this same expression whenever he looks at Commons chicken.

“You’s a vagina” – Chamillionaire, Who They Want

Finally, Chamillionaire stops “ridin’ dirty” for a jiffy to take a moment to remind us not to overcomplicate things when it comes to women. You might get wrapped up in how to strike up conversation with them, how to initiate the first kiss with them, or how to make eye contact with them without climaxing, but Chamillionaire reminds us they’re just females: loading vessels in which men can harvest their spawn. What a great guy!

That’s all for this installment of Rap Analytics, join us next time when we discuss how the Biggie Smalls line “You look so good/I’ll suck on ya daddy’s dick” can really win over the in-laws.

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