PHILADELPHIA, PA – It turns out that the police are just like Penn students; eager to get turnt as fuck this weekend. Memos exchanged between the Penn Police Department and the Philadelphia Police Department have revealed that the undercover officers patrolling Fling this weekend are actually being rewarded for a years’ worth of hard service.
According to an anonymous officer, the officers had various email threads and Facebook groups dedicated to organizing the most effective way to get shitfaced. According to the officer, pre-game events included getting drunk at the Penn Police Station followed by high-speed bike chases through Drexel. Other pre-game events included a suit and tie breakfast BYO at Greek Lady. The officers even custom-ordered tanks online with the following phrases: “Get Under My Covers,” “It’s Okay to Cop a Feel,” and “Fuck the Police (Literally).”
The anonymous officer, who had been one of the lucky few to have Flung last year, had this to say: “You know, it’s hard work to patrol this city year-round, and it’s great to unwind for a little bit. And besides, only the best officers are allowed to go crazy. Now excuse me, I need to go to Federal Donuts before they run out of whiskey filling.”