As the semester winds down, freshman guest columnist Camille Jwo reflects back on Riepe Cookie Nights.
Riepe House Dean and Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences Dean DeTurck recently revealed that he has been using cookie night to study the effects of an experimental new drug on aggressive behavior in Riepe residents. DeTurck laces the delicious cookies his experimental drug, and the enticing aroma of the cookies wafting through Magee hall in Riepe College House lures the students in. While people have questioned the ethics behind testing on unknowing subjects, DeTurck insists that, “The subjects are eager and willing to eat the cookies, so what they don’t know won’t hurt them…too badly.”
According to DeTurck’s ongoing study, there is a strong correlation between the number of cookies a subject takes and the level of aggressiveness they display. In classic Math professor fashion, DeTurck has precise graphs and charts to accurately represent his findings. Once such graph is shown below.
As you can see, the correlation is nearly perfect.
Moreover, as a subject takes more cookies, their aggression increases dramatically, leading to a vicious cycle of cookie aggression. This phenomenon is especially pronounced with behaviors such as “double-fisting,” which is when a subject grabs as many cookies as possible with both hands, leaving no hands free to open doors or do any other socially acceptable acts. DeTurck says that he has witnessed cookies being stuffed in “every orifice possible,” from cups to pockets to the unmentionable areas.
Fellow students have agreed to comment on the rising hostility of the cookie night environment. A student, Mike Chambray, remarked, “At first, they were just bringing Tupperware. Now they bring knives. They threaten to “shank” us if we reach for the last M&M cookie.” Another resident, who asked not to be named, said, “I’ve never feared for my life like this before.”
Upon hearing this news about DeTurck’s ulterior motives, Riepe resident Cathy Gumbel said, “That’s why his hair is quite large. It’s filled with secrets.” It is unclear whether the drug also affects patients’ eyesight or their ability to quote movies accurately.