A few months after announcing her President’s Engagement Prizes, Amy Gutmann has decided to restore balance to universe by announcing a much more controversial and profitable prize. The “Gutmann Award for Cartoonish Supervillainy (Sponsored by Trump)” will give select seniors a $30 million dollar fund for their mustache-twirling schemes. The winners will also receive their choice of Manhattan penthouse or Malibu beachside home to plan their ideas.
“Listen, this school doesn’t need any more humanitarians. What this school need is more money. Yeah, I’ve seen all the rankings. Those rankings still don’t mean shit. We’re going to need real dough to pay off the U.S World & News Report and if this means bribing undergrads to make profits, so be it,” Gutmann said into a wire-tapped pillow as she prepared to go to sleep.
Much like the Engagement Prizes, the Villain Prizes will be given to three graduating seniors willing to implement their ideas at the local, national, and global level, respectively. All schools will be considered because, according to Gutmann, “an art history/music double major is definitely still capable of promoting human misery.”
The proposed projects will be put through an intensive screening. Sources state that any project capable of being stopped by an act of God, a masked vigilante in a bat suit, or some meddling kids and their dog will be disqualified immediately.