The Truth Behind Rankings

Today’s guest column comes to us from sophomore, and satanism expert, Luke Hoban, here to shed some light on Penn’s recent rankings.

In a completely coincidental, not at all suspicious string of good fortune, Penn has recently garnered a ton of media awards. These rankings seemed a bit suspicious when they were announced, so the Punch Bowl has done some digging to find out the truth behind these awards. Below are the results of research into what seems almost too good to be true.

Earlier this summer, the restaurant chain Grub Hub—which, on an unrelated note, anagrams to “Amy Gutmann’s Ebola Emporium”—ranked Penn students as the most polite, as well as the most caffeinated students in the country. These rankings were conducted through a scientifically valid survey of six people, none of who were in any way affiliated with Satanism.

In the past week, Penn was revealed as the #1 college in the nation, as ranked by USA Today. What many newspapers failed to report, however, was that the paper is published by the Gannett Company. Keep that in mind for later, and this will all make sense. I promise.

Now on Monday, Penn was ranked the top party school in the nation by Playboy. Playboy is, of course, best known for its authoritative rankings on issues relating to women; it is unclear whether or not they are reliable in ranking entire universities.

This remarkable success by Penn is built on devilish foundations, as some careful analysis bore out. My rationale follows below:

Who has ranked Penn at #1?

Grub Hub (7 letters); Gannett (7 letters); and Playboy (7 letters).

And how many organizations ranked Penn #1? Three of them. 1, 1, 1.

777-111=666.

Wake up, sheeple. This is bad. This goes all the way to the top of campus. Or rather, the bottom of, as in underneath, campus. The truth needs to be out there.

After reaching out to Madame President, the Punch Bowl has received a statement from Amy Gutmann in response to these allegations. “I believe that Penn has earned these rankings. Quite simply, they reflect how polite, caffeinated, fratty and just overall great we are. There is nothing more to see here, certainly not a temple underneath College Hall dedicated to Beelzebub, the Fallen Angel.”

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