After an especially early and demanding start of the pumpkin spice season, Starbucks has decided to give up on serving regular coffee and pastries and only serve pumpkin spice-flavored items.
New items on the menu will include pumpkin spice tea, pumpkin spice frappucinos, pumpkin spice muffins, pumpkin spice cookies, pumpkin spice bagels, pumpkin spice rice krispie treats, and actual spiced pumpkins.
The coffee chain formerly known as Starbucks will start only selling CDs with the sounds of pumpkins being carved or employees stirring large vats of pumpkin spice lattes.
Employee uniforms will also now be orange, and the logo will consist of a jack-o-lantern with long, wavy hair and an hourglass figure.
Drink sizes will be gourd, extra gourd, and very large gourd. Customers looking for an even more authentic experience can order their pumpkin drink in a hollowed out pumpkin.
Self-identified basic bitch Sarah Walker is excited about the change. “I always said I wished it was pumpkin spice season all the time, now my 11:11 wish finally came true!”