PHILADELPHIA, PA – After a dismal football season, falling attendance rates, and general student apathy, Penn Athletics has decided to implement its ultimate contingency plan. Franklin Field is to become a modern-day Roman Colosseum.
Franklin Field is to be rebranded “Franklin Colosseum” and will now host some of the most dangerous (therefore entertaining) games in human history. The change is set to take place immediately after the Harvard-Penn football game (scrimmage) this Saturday.
According to a leaked email from Penn Athletics,
All field hockey games are to become chariot races, all lacrosse games are to become staged naval battles, all football games are to become gladiator fights, and sprint football games are to become sprint gladiator fights.*
*Where contestants sprint from lions.
Students’ response to this announcement has varied. “Can we tailgate? Will they start selling alcohol at the stadium?” asked Wharton junior Chester McPherson. Another anonymous student responded to the announcement by saying “Uh, I saw Malcolm Gladwell give a talk a few years back. Has anyone studied the long-term effects that gladiator fights have on the brain?”
Although there have been rumors of turning the Palestra into a Thunderdome, Penn Athletics could not be reached for comment.