Fraternity Brother Excommunicated After Calling Cornhole “Fucking Boring”

In its first unanimous decision since the infamous 2001 case, Backwards Hat v. Visor, the UPenn Frat Council (UFC) has decided to excommunicate College junior, Trey Prescott, for “profaning the holy game of Cornhole”

Cornhole, a game in which participants toss beanbags at a raised platform in the hope of throwing the beanbag in a hole, has played an integral role in frat culture since the UFC deemed it appropriate in the 1980s.

James Carrington, a College senior, and ranking member of the UFC, described the importance of cornhole: “I mean, it’s vaguely physical, let’s you hold a beer, let’s you play some chill music — and I’m talking Garth Brooks chill — and most importantly you can play it out on your front porch where everyone can see you doing it.”

Prescott’s crime occurred on September 10th, when he put his beer down in the middle of a game and walked back into his fraternity house. When asked by his confused fraternity brothers why he left, he responded, “That game is fucking boring. Why the hell do we play it anyway?” Until the sentence of excommunication was passed, the UFC placed Prescott under chapter house arrest for his remarks.

Even so, the trial of Prescott has inspired many fraternity brothers to come out of the woodwork and speak in support of his cause. One Wharton sophomore, who wished to remain anonymous, told us of his experience rushing this fall: “When they first took out those wooden things and started throwing beanbags at them, I was like ‘this is a joke, right?’ And then one brother took me aside and told me if I ever said anything like that again I’d be thrown out to live amongst the geeds. After that I called next game and never looked back.”

The UFC, however, has remained steadfast. Its President, Francis Taylor, has promised that he will play cornhole every day for the rest of the year to show his passion for the cause. “I mean, it’s not just about cornhole. It’s about our way of life,” said Taylor as he tossed a beanbag and hit the platform opposite him. “I mean, if you start dissing cornhole what’s next? Saying that we don’t actually need to be sitting outside on leather couches? That blasting EDM in the afternoons isn’t chill? That tank tops are only for when it’s hot out? That’s what’s on the line here and that’s why I’m gonna be out here every day throwing this damn bean bag until my arm gives out.”

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