The week’s guest column is brought to you directly from our esteemed leader, Empress Amy Gutmann, in the form of a brand-spanking-new advice column. Please enjoy her motherly, sage advice.
I was in VP and overheard a really cute frat bro giving his info on the phone, so I wrote down his name and phone number, and I’ve used him as a connection to get into parties. Normal or crazy?!
-Thinkin’ Bout You Owl Night Long
Dear Thinkin’ Bout You,
Crazy. Stop that.
I took a girl to two date nights so I told my mom I had a girlfriend, but now my mom’s here and wants to meet her. What do I do?
-Champagne and Shackled
Tell your mom you found out she was only half-Jewish and dumped her. She’ll be proud.
I found my crush on Spotify, and I bought his favorite band’sTt-shirt. Does everyone do this?
-The Dandy Warholic
How expensive was the t-shirt? Also, no.
I took a boy’s virginity and tried to make him have coffee with me to talk out any emotions he might be experiencing. Why has he not responded?
Boys don’t want that. What is wrong with the people at this school? I miss Harvard.
I hate when I’m being the bouncer for my frat and a total stranger uses my name as a connection. It just makes me feel used. I’m tired of spending parties crying in the bathroom. What do I do?
-Don’t SAE My Name
Man up. Less tears, more beers.
The other day in Econ I was sitting behind a cute boy and “couldn’t help” but see his email address. Would it be cute to send him a Paperless Post invitation to the party in my pants?
-Paperless & Pantsless
Why are you pantsless? Were you not invited to the party in your own pants?
A girl at a party made eye contact with me for a full thirty seconds. I assumed that meant she was DTF, but when I tried to grind she seemed scared instead of turned on. Why?
Prolonged eye contact does not mean yes. She’s just drunk. Which also doesn’t mean yes.
I met a REALLY HOT guy, but to make sure if he was up to my standards I Googled his last name and hometown. I found his mom’s Wikipedia page! Would it be cool to congratulate him on her promotion?
-Breaking the glass ceiling… and my hymen
Dear Hymen Breaker,
No scrubs. This one’s chill.