PHILADELPHIA, PA – It seems as if though Penn students weren’t the only ones hoping for a snow day. Professor JJ Mackenzie of the Philosophy department spent last night drinking too much scotch and reading a novel over a warm fireplace, contenting himself with the thought of a snow day.
He reluctantly went to his 3 PM lecture today, where he nursed his brain-crushing hangover. According to various witnesses, Professor Mackenzie yelled “Fuck it. Everyone put their heads down and think about your life choices. Are you truly happy?”
Junior Anders Gomes thought the lecture was eye-opening. “You know, I’m always stressed out looking for a job and getting good grades. I never really have time for myself anymore, you know? I was glad to have a little me time during lecture. But I’m also glad the professor closed the curtains and made the class quiet. My head was also hurting from last night.”
When the Punch Bowl caught up with the professor, he stated “Next time this happens, I’ll make sure to put on The Matrix or some shit.”