Super (Punch) Bowl Preview

GLENDALE, ARIZONA—This Sunday, the New England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks will meet at University of Phoenix Stadium to contest Super Bowl XLIX. The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl will be covering the game, since we are a Serious News Organization™, and I’ve got your preview right here.

Check back tomorrow for our Super (Punch) Bowl Mailbag Extravaganza.

What is Football?

The early history of football is hard to trace since the concussion-laced memoirs of early players are almost incomprehensible. It is believed to have originated out of early English cricket leagues. Abner Doubleday is often erroneously cited as the first person to synthesize the rules of football, including the placement of the end bases 60’6” apart. However, this has been proven to be false.

The goal of football is simple. Teams of eleven try to carry an arbitrarily shaped ball an arbitrary direction within an arbitrary set of time constraints. Once they succeed they must repeat the process until they either reach the arbitrarily defined “end zone,” recognize that all human effort is futile when faced with the inevitable heat death of the universe, or collapse dead on the field from “upper head injuries.”*

* “Upper head injuries” is football-speak for concussion.

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Favorites: New England Patriots. Their balls-to-the-wall approach has helped them win their first two playoff games, both against teams named after animals (Indianapolis Colts and Baltimore Ravens). This not-at-all arbitrary statistic should deflate the Seahawks’ emotion before the game even starts. Honestly, the game isn’t even worth watching.

The other Favorites: Seattle Seahawks. Everybody is a winner in the United States, even though that is statistically impossible. So even though Seattle will lose probably this game catastrophically, they will still get the Super Bowl Winner-in-our-Hearts Trophy. Even better, every Seattle resident with a #12 jersey will receive a replica in the mail, since the Postal Service has nothing better to do.

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Potential X-Factors:

—Age Before Beauty: Two of the oldest head coaches in the NFL square off in the Super Bowl. Experts predict that this will have a massive impact on the game. Expect neither coach to abandon the strategies that got them to this point in life. Look for them to run a conservative game eliminating the trick plays and gimmicks of younger fools. Both coaches have noted that their game plan revolves around players playing both offense and defense, efficient sideline communication via telegraph wires, and halftime methamphetamine to keep their players in tip-top game condition.

—Fresh Blood: The New England Patriots made major headlines in the hours after their AFC Championship victory, when it was revealed that they signed college phenom D’Flait Gaight. Their actions completely bypassed the annual NFL draft, representing a callous disregard for rules and order. In a controversial decision, commissioner Roger Goodell announced that Gaight would be eligible for the Super Bowl. It is unclear where he will line up, but it will likely be exclusively on the offensive side of the ball for New England.

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Prediction: Oh who are we kidding, you’re all going to watch the Puppy Bowl instead.

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