Super (Punch) Bowl Mailbag

Tomorrow is the Super Bowl, in case you hadn’t heard. I asked for your questions and now I am going to answer them, in the first ever Super (Punch) Bowl Mailbag Extravaganza. If your question wasn’t answered, don’t take it personally. It just means that it was a bad question and/or you are a bad person and/or I ran out of room.

Without further ado, let’s get this show on the road.

What do this year’s ad spots say about pervasive polarization in our political climate?—Zach G., Lafayette Hill, PA

Wow, starting the mailbag off with a big one. It’s almost like I did that intentionally.

They provide a pretty good parallel actually: Lots of attention-grabbing shenanigans, but ultimately not much in the way of substance. White people are always confused and outraged when other cultures infringe on their domain. And the whole time you’re just praying that Donald Trump doesn’t show up.

Which team is Chris Christie supporting?—Seamus M., Lafayette Hill, PA

The Dallas Cowboys were good when he was growing up, so Christie will be in a box at JerryWorld rooting on his team like every Sunday.

These questions are no fun. Are they all going to be political?

Yeah.—David S., Tampa, FL

Goddammit Marshawn.

Can you explain football? Just like the whole game.—Kira S., Brookline, MA

As a matter of fact, you’re in luck! I wrote a whole column about it just two days ago! #blessed

Please discuss the matter of a slightly deflated ball not affecting a 38-point deficit.—Marty W., Sterling Heights, Michigan

What the hell are you talking about.

Angrier Sherman: Richard or William Tecumseh?—Dave L., Off-the-Grid

Wow, this is a tough one. Legion of Boom vs. Total War. Scorched Earth vs. A Sorry-Ass Receiver Like Crabtree.

Yeah, it’s not even close. William Tecumseh. Richard isn’t even angry enough to defeat Atlanta in a playoff game, let alone burn it to the ground.

Based on the SI cover, what will the Legion of Boom’s forthcoming debut R&B album be called?—Nick C., Baltimore, MD

I’m going to nominate Legion of Boogie, although Legion of Love (suggested by Josh C.) is another strong contender.

If Russell Wilson wins the Super Bowl does he have 2 or 1.5, cause doesn’t the wife get half of everything in the divorce?—Adrian N., Rockville, MD

Dammit, Adrian, I’m a columnist not a divorce lawyer. But that won’t stop me from pretending.

So I guess the answer to this question depends on your definition of “has.” The first thing we can assume is that his Super Bowl ring got sliced in half and split between the couple. That’s a given. However, there’s a real ambiguity as to whether or not that means that he only won half of a Super Bowl. I would lean towards him still maintaining sole possession of the Super Bowl.

In my mind, she will not have won the Super Bowl until she seizes Russell’s half of the ring AND steals the Lombardi Trophy from CenturyLink Field. Unfortunately for her, that’s only possible if she turns into Nicolas Cage.

Why does Tom Brady like old balls?—Josh C., St. Louis, MO

Because liking young balls is illegal and highly immoral.

If everyone in Seattle is the 12th man, does that mean that Seattle has a fanbase of  one?—Dave L., Who-the-Hell-Knows-Where

Yes, and I’d like to take this a step further. If everybody who isn’t on the field is part of a fanbase of one, how can we assert that they exist as independent agents? Even the players not in the game at any given moment flit in and out of existence whenever they cross over the white out-of-bounds line and into the field of play. Does Richard Sherman exist on the sideline? No, he briefly becomes part of a collective entity that reaches far beyond the realm of human understanding. This raises alarming developments about the rest of Seattle, and indeed the rest of the world.

If Seattle does not have any individual fans, does that mean that the entire city of Seattle functions as a hive mind? If the answer is yes, it calls into question whether Chris Pratt actually exists as an independent person. And if Chris Pratt doesn’t exist, we don’t have Andy Dwyer or Star-Lord. That is not a world I want to live in.

How has the international field failed to supply a contender to challenge teams from the United States for the 49th consecutive season?—Seamus M., Lafayette Hill, PA

I don’t like uninformed questions and this one certainly takes the prize. You are clearly forgetting the 1991-94 Buffalo Bills, who at the time were a part of Canada. After the embarrassment of the same team losing four consecutive Super Bowls, Canadian Parliament voted to give Buffalo back to the United States. The motion passed unanimously within minutes of it being introduced, and before the US could protest Prime Minister Jean Chrétien had declared “no take-backsies.”

What’s the likelihood of Marshawn Lynch grabbing his balls in the end zone?—Bart B., Arlington, MA

Very high. Half of all testicular cancer cases in the United States occur between the ages of 20 and 34. It would be incredibly responsible of him to undergo a self-examination at the biggest moment of his life, especially since men are already so averse to grabbing their own genitalia and/or referencing their presence.

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