1481 A.D. Sweet-Sixteen Abruptly Ends with Midlife Crisis

Gloucestor London, 1481 – Sweet-Sixteen for Guinevere Hawtrey ended sourly as the birthday-girl broke down in tears with what she referred to as an “identity crisis.” Guinevere – who goes only by Guinevere – had an earth-shattering moment when a loaf of barley-bread with sixteen slowly burning twigs in it was delivered to her as her family and close friends sang a rendition of “Happie Birthdae” to her.

When it came time to blow out the twigs, Guinevere burst into tears and stormed out of the room. Later, when her mother Muriel came to console her, Guinevere said, “I hath sixteen years! Doth you know what that does mean? I hath no husband, and but one suitor — and he hath come down with ye black death!” After wiping her tears with a handful of straw, Guinevere continued, “Mine time tis near eclipsed, but what is me purpose? If me hath no purpose, then what is thee point? Shan’t I not but walk til I fall off thee square we call Earth?”

Later, after Guinevere had calmed down, she decided that she would spend more time at the market and her church group in order to meet more potential suitors. She did mention, however, a young pre-pubescent boy named Brom Williamsburg IV with whom she intends to pursue a marriage as his father is nearing forty-two years old and has a good amount of land to be inherited.

 

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