We Need To Talk About Whatever the Hell Happened Yesterday

“Citizens of the Internet went into a tizzy yesterday afternoon after two llamas escaped from a retirement facility and led local law enforcement on a wild goose chase through the streets of Arizona.” is a sentence that is both true and the most bizarre ever recorded in human history. The chase went on for a good twenty minutes and Twitter experienced its largest Tweets-per-second rate since Glom Gozinga went all Kevin McCallister on Adele Dazeem’s face.

After all of the commotion died down, lots of celebrities (like the Punch Bowl) and plebians (like you) weighed in on the action on Twitter. One of the more bizarre statements was released by the year 2005, which claimed that it was thrilled with recent developments.

“Ten years ago, llamas ruled the Internet. There were like six people that were on the World Wide Web—as it was known back then—and three of them were Myspace Tom parody accounts. Llamas were given free reign over American culture at that time, and imposed their will through the informative and yet deeply resonant Llama Song. 2005 remembers those days and laments that llamas have been relegated to the peanut gallery of the Internet. We were reminded of those days when we watched the llamas chased through the streets of Phoenix and wept for their fall from grace. We call on the Internet to revere llamas as our cyber-ancestors once did.”

I wish I could say that this was the strangest thing that happened yesterday. And so I will. This was the strangest thing that happened yesterday. But we would be remiss without mentioning the outfits that the llamas were wearing on their high-speed chase.

llama dress

As you can see, the llamas would not have been out of place on the llama-walk (as catwalks will henceforth be known). Some of the more imbecilic members of the Internet claimed that the dresses were white-and-gold, but statements from the llamas revealed that they were in fact blue-and-black. The sensible half of the Internet upheld these llamas as heroes, unwilling to cave to the colorful imaginations of the hive mind.

In other Internet news, the FCC ruled in favor of net neutrality, meaning that the Internet would be free to exist without Internet Service Providers controlling the types of content on the web. After being asked to comment on the day’s events, FCC chairman Tom Wheeler stated “I can’t believe that this is what we’re protecting.”

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