The Punch Bowl’s Mark Madness is in full swing! We’ve already had so many upsets, controversy and lots of high-quality television. Except for not really because we don’t know the results yet. Well, we have the raw data and numbers but it’s a very difficult process and we haven’t been able to get the “algorithms” “up and running” on our “programming processors.” It’s complicated you wouldn’t understand. On an unrelated note: Does anyone know how to turn a computer on?
Without further ado, I’ve gathered my thoughts on some of the matchups and I’m sharing them here because it’s what I’m paid to do. Just kidding, that would fundamentally alter what it means to be an amateur columnist. We can’t have that.
Marco Polo vs. Marco Polo. The committee did a fantastic job with the narrative here. You just can’t beat one of the most beloved games of all time against the explorer who inspired its name. There are other, sexier matchups but I for one love it when similar fan bases from rival teams get into it but also respect the other team’s strengths. We’ll get that here, it should be down to the wire.
—Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars over Mark Zuckerberg. Uptown Funk is gonna give us all a huge shock in the first round. Don’t believe me? Just pay attention and see what happens. Zuckerberg has the star power here but the most important thing for underseeded teams is momentum. Plus if Ronson and Mars pull off the upset you know they have the requisite dancing skills to one-up Kevin Canaveri after Mercer beat Duke a year ago.
—Market Street capitalizes on the controversy from this week’s “Drexel students on Penn snap story-gate” to sneak past Mark Rothko in the first round. Mark’s Cafe opens up a new location on Market Street before the second round starts and collapses Drexel’s campus into a black hole, condemning the entire bottom right quadrant of the bracket to oblivion.
Who Am I Picking?
MARKERS over Marco Rubio: One can create entire worlds for you where imagination runs wild and real-life thoughts and ideas can be transformed into hideous distortions. The other is a thing you can draw with.
MARKY MARK AND THE FUNKY BUNCH over Mark Wahlberg: Marky Mark had the least creative name of anyone in the Funky Bunch, and his career has been downhill ever since (The Other Guys notwithstanding).
MARK CUBAN over St. Mark: St. Mark didn’t even write the Gospel of Mark, according to the third sentence in its Wikipedia article. What a slacker.
MARKDOWNS over Mark Darcy: Extra money > fictional character.
MARK ZUCKERBERG over Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars: As mentioned before I actually think Mark Ronson will win. I’m just afraid of what’ll happen if Zuck were to find out I voted against him.
MARCO POLO (PERSON) over MARCO POLO (game): Without Marco Polo, Christopher Columbus would never accomplished what he did. Actually, now that I think about it, is it too late to change my vote?
MARK ROTHKO over Market Street: I want to sound like I know about #art.
MARK’S CAFE over Marcus Garvey: Marcus Garvey makes a nice case for himself but until he comes back to life and starts selling food in a library (which we can’t rule out at this point) he is facing an uphill battle for votes.
Let us know what you think by VOTING HERE! VOTING ENDS ON SATURDAY NIGHT WHY AM I CAPITALIZING THIS IT’S AT THE BOTTOM OF THE ARTICLE IT WON’T HELP YOU SEE IT.