After breaking the news to the world that he would be leaving One Direction this past Thursday (and breaking the hearts of fans everywhere), it has come exclusively to our attention that Zayn Malik and Nick Jonas are one and the same person.
First, they have never been seen in the same room together. Many people thought this was because of the deep-seated rivalry between One Direction and the Jonas Brothers, but we have learned that in fact, the JoBros were disbanded (don’t worry, they are still related) before 1D found their direction (it’s east, in case you were wondering).
Second, isn’t it curious how Nick Jonas’s solo career is just taking off as Zayn leaves One Direction? Suspicious, suspicious…
You may be asking yourself, “but what about his British accent?” Well, have you ever heard Zayn talk? That is a pretty terrible British accent, Zayn. I see right through you, to the American Jonas underneath.
We are currently investigating whether all of the members of One Direction are, in fact, Jonas Brothers. Don’t forget, there are four members of the Jonas Brothers.
Fans everywhere have been posing even more probing questions that will leave us awake at night, like, “Are the Jonas Brothers just three of the Backstreet Boys?” “What about the fifth member of One Direction?” “Is there another secret Jonas Brother out there?” “Hey! What about the Jonas sisters?” and “Why doesn’t anyone care about N*SYNC anymore?”
We also have a lead telling us that not only are Zayn and Nick the same person, but that person is also Justin Bieber.