Hillary Clinton Is Better Than You

The entire nation was “shocked” this past Sunday when Hillary Clinton announced the start of her campaign for the presidency in 2016. Now while I don’t have any beef with the Hill-dog, her announcement had all of the tact of a Marshawn Lynch touchdown celebration.

Let me paint the scene for you here. The announcement starts with a conveniently diverse ensemble talking about what they are aspiring to do in the foreseeable future. One woman wants to move to a better school district for her daughter. That’s good for them, I wish them the best of luck. Another couple is sick of their dog Baxter rooting in the fucking trash again. A bit shortsighted on goals, but if fixing that makes you happy, so be it. Then Hillary shows up on the screen and announces “I’m also getting ready to do something. I’m running for President!”.

With those two sentences, Hillary  takes a massive dump on all of middle class America. Damn it Hillary, we’ve known since 2008 you would run again! Why did you have to make other people’s dreams seem so insignificant? Fuck your presidency, I want to know what happened to Baxter! Did they seek professional assistance with their trash problem? Dog training can get pricy!

Everybody knows Hillary basically has the primaries locked up. But the thing is, she’s going to do it by one-upping the entire nation to their faces. That’s super badass, and personally I love this new political strategy. In fact, I think Hillary should take this braggadocio to the next level. Here are some strategies the Punchbowl came up with:

  • Hillary picks up a basketball and posterizes Sean Hannity, yelling “Benghaz-deez nuts!” repeatedly as she hangs on the rim.
  • Hillary Sharkeishas a Ted Cruz-look alike then does the Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em over his unconscious body.
  • Thug life edits on the Benghazi hearings highlights.
  • Campaign mixtape hosted by DJ Drama titled “Hill-matic” with hit single “Royalty Checks and Weed Balances”.

Hillary, I sincerely hope you take these suggestions seriously. By the way, when you win the presidency because of our suggestions, could you make sure we get more funding? Great thanks.

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